Larry the Cable Guy
What's Happening Inside: A crowd of people you've never seen, talked to or otherwise interacted with, laughing uproariously at jokes about farts, gays, gay farts and probably something about "this fancy-lookin' thee-ater," which is also gay.
What You're Doing: Shotgunning Monster while blasting a Jerky Boys CD.
Essential Items: A stockpile of Whip-Its (to come down from all the energy drinks); a promotional Delta Farce bandana dug out of Goodwill bins, ideally with pudding stains on it.
Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall, 1037 SW Broadway. 7 pm Wednesday, Sept. 18.
What's Happening Inside: West Hills folks with aged Gruyere in their Think Out Loud tote bags paying $35 to look at the fucking moon.
What You're Doing: Lying on your car hood, taking in the vastness of God's majesty for free, like a total cheap-ass.
Essential Items: A box of wine; illegally downloaded wind-chime music.
Portland Japanese Garden, 611 SW Kingston Ave. 7-9 pm Wednesday-Friday, Sept. 18-20.
What's Happening Inside: A depraved orgy of wine, the first lady of Oregon lecturing on childhood hunger and a $95 sandwich eat-off—all under the order of a confederacy of celebuchef Caligulas.
What You're Doing: Grilling your own foie gras panini next to your Prius and pecking out furious tweets about the guy next to you not putting hazelnut aioli on his Olympic Provisions wiener.
Essential Items: A feather and the finest vomit box that Bed, Bath & Beyond has in stock.
Multiple locations. Thursday-Sunday, Sept. 19-22.
Portland Timbers VS. The Colorado… uh… Crags, maybe?
What's Happening Inside: A few hundred Portland State students (and thousands more 35-year-olds who somehow know where all the PSU keggers are) pretending to enjoy futbol as an excuse to get hammered, scream nursery rhymes and wear matching scarves.
What You're Doing: Obnoxiously honking the horn of your SUV and screaming at passersby after the Timbers pull off a 0-0 tie, all while secretly calculating whether you can afford Seahawks season tickets.
Essential Items: A vuvuzela; a smartphone to Wikipedia "rules of Major League Soccer."
Jeld-Wen Field, 1844 SW Morrison St. 7 pm Friday, Sept. 20.