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October 16th, 2013 MARTIN CIZMAR | Restaurant Guide
 

Restaurant Guide 2013: Different 'Vision

Looking at the future of Southeast Division Street

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Division Street is home to our Restaurant of the Year, runner-up and five other picks in this guide. Seemingly every old business on Division is being converted into a trendy restaurant or bar. Yet a few auto-repair shops and hardware stores remain. Below, a list of still-available spaces and predictions about what sort of trendy restaurant or bar they may soon become. Martin Cizmar.

NOTE: THIS IS A JOKE. TO THE BEST OF OUR KNOWLEDGE NONE OF THE NAMED BUSINESSES HAVE PLANS TO CLOSE.


1401 SE Division St.

Now: Longfellows Books

Soon: Corn & Syrup

A farm-to-table take on the Mexican elote where grilled corn cobs are coated in a seasonal array of artisanal, spiced corn syrups. Think alpine strawberry with Jacobsen sea salt, whiskey-artichoke, and the always popular goat’s blood and arugula.


2443 SE Division St.

Now: Langlitz Leathers motorcycle clothier

Soon: Aioli

After rising Division Street rents force Langlitz to relocate to West Hollywood, Lardo/Grassa boss Rick Gencarelli’s new fast-casual spot will cut the frills and simply serve cups of mayonnaise to be sipped through bamboo straws.


3305 SE Division St.

Now: Full Spectrum Health Center

Soon: Pok Pok Roti Gluay

Fresh off his success bringing really good pad Thai to pad-Thai-starved New York City and selling instant ramen noodles with fancy toppings in Portland, Andy Ricker finally sets his sights on that traditional Khao San Road delicacy, the banana pancake.


3402 SE Division St.

Now: Anders Printing

Soon: Quintet

This new supper-jazz joint suffers when a local critic files a brutal takedown after disguising himself as a waiter and sneaking into the first staff-tasting meal. The critic writes an essay explaining he did the restaurant a favor, since staff is generally unwilling to upset management with hard truths. Everybody sues everybody.


3530 SE Division St.

Now: Oregon Theater adult theater

Soon: McMenamins Mophouse & Brewery

When one of the nation’s last adult theaters finally succumbs to market pressure, McMenamins rehabs the space while keeping its historic character alive with “voyeur” dining booths, a sticky dance floor and VIP dining in the bored projectionist’s perch.


3619 SE Division St.

Now: Poppi’s Pipes

Soon: The Dude’s Essence of Awesomeness

Duane Sorenson reimagines lame old head shop as fabulously bougie new head shop with Chemex-made bongs, a massive assortment of vintage rolling papers and fair-trade Nepalese incense. 


3871 SE Division St.

Now: Tom’s Restaurant

Soon: Diner™

Tom’s Restaurant is rehabbed into a hip comfort-food joint, but is sued by The Oregonian shortly after opening because the newspaper apparently owns the word “Diner™.”


4106 SE Division St.

Now: The Tropical Hut pet store

Soon: Uncle Dick’s Deep Fried Hot Dogs Too

The much-beloved and tragically short-lived Old Town late-night food window is finally rebooted to provide shriveled sausages to the masses once again.


4330 SE Division St.

Now: Fox Fence 

Soon: Field+Mill

Realizing that too much overhead goes to wheat farmers and mills that provide flour to the bakery he owns to supply his growing restaurant-investment empire, ChefStable boss Kurt Huffman seeks total vertical integration. This saves about 10 cents per roll.


4848 SE Division St.

Now: Beads at Dusti Creek

Soon: Smite

Disappointed with the lack of support for the Kingdom of Roosevelt, the bold game restaurant known for serving raw deer heart and roasted pigeon heads, Eric Bechard opens a new eatery focusing on “below-the-belly” recipes made with the lower digestive tracts of various animals. The restaurant quickly closes; local food press despairs.

 
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