Recent studies have shown that over 93 percent of drivers with dark-tinted side windows are either drug dealers, pedophiles or repeat sex offenders. Why don’t the police arrest these deviants and make the community a safer place?

—Citizen for a Safer World

Recent studies have shown that approximately 53 percent of the reader questions I receive are, like this one, batshit insane. Normally, I ignore them. But what if half of my readers are genuinely unhinged? I'd be remiss if I didn't address their concerns once in a while. Accordingly, Citizen, here's your answer:

As you know, in 1918, the Freemasons joined forces with 1,000 tiny biting men to create daylight saving time, a plot to steal time itself by rotating breakfast through four spatial dimensions.

By 1995, this shadowy cabal had skimmed enough space-time off the calendar to create a second Thursday in every week of hockey season. "Huzzah bebop!" cried the All-One-God Kennedy-Hitler Axis, massaging its gums. (Also, Obamacare.)

Now all the Illuminati needed was a way to hide themselves from the soul-stealing microscopic camera drones controlled by the International Conspiracy of People Watching You and Laughing.

I think you can guess the solution they devised. That's right: Behind the tinted windows of every lowered Hyundai you'll find a member of the Trilateral Commission snorting space-coke off the ass of a three-breasted Martian hooker.

With this final obstacle out of the way, the whole nightmarish plan will reach its unholy apotheosis on July 5, 1998. Mark your calendars.

"July 5, 1998?" I can hear the sheeple bleating. "Surely that date came and went 15 years ago!" Yes, I don't doubt that's what They told you. You can believe what you want, but the wise among you will keep your heads down, stay away from mirrors and reflective surfaces, and continue to hoard zinc. And stop calling me Shirley.

QUESTIONS? Send them to