Five Ways to Give Summer the BIG F-U


Summer can be a supremely exasperating time of year: astronomical temperatures, ill-advised Speedos, Frisbees and Nerf footballs constantly whizzing by, outdoor drum circles, overheating cars....









It's enough to drive an otherwise sane and usually rain-drenched Oregonian crazy. If you're like me and you get more and more annoyed as the mercury rises, the only way to keep your ire from getting the best of you is to just pretend it's wintertime again. Here are a few time-tested methods for ignoring the season of perspiration.

Go Skiing: Even in the deep-fryer heat of August, powder-craving Portlanders can still be flying down the slopes with a couple of sticks strapped to their legs within a couple of hours. Though the conditions aren't always ideal, the ground is never snowless at Timberline Lodge's Palmer Snowfield--one of the only year-round ski joints in the U.S. Take I-84 east to Exit 16, get on Highway 26 East, then follow the signs. Closed for two weeks in mid-September for maintenance. Summer lift tickets $39. Call for conditions and hours, 222-2211.

Build an Igloo: Make your own Eskimo retreat in your basement! First, procure a hacksaw and a ton of ice blocks. Cut the long edge off of the blocks so they lean inward, stack them in a circle around you and build in a spiral upward. Voila! Just like the Arctic. Oh, and remember to cut at least one airhole in the roof so you don't suffocate. Koldkist Ice, 909 N Columbia Blvd., 285-2800. $1 per 10-pound block.

Ice Skate: Summer is no time to let up on your strict figure-skating regimen. Glide over the ice at Lloyd Center's Ice Chalet--as Ms. Tonya Harding herself has done--and imagine yourself as part of the glory and pageantry that is ice skating. Try not to screw up the triple axel this time, please. 935 Lloyd Center, 288-6073. $5 entry, $2.50 skate rental. Schedule varies; call for hours.

Read Russian Literature: Mother Russia gets freakishly cold in the winter, and it's hard to keep your teeth from chattering when hearing the country's immortal literary voices describe the depths of frigidity they've endured. Get your freeze on with Dostoevsky's Crime and Punishment (Penguin Books, $13), Solzhenitsyn's One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich (Signet Classics, $5.95), or Chekhov's Later Stories, 888-1903 (Random House, $11.95). Powell's Books, 1005 W Burnside St., 228-4651, and other locations.

Be a Beer-Fridge Squatter: When the going gets tough, the tough throw on a jacket and go camp out inside a frosty grocery-store beer fridge. Most Albertsons stores are good for this practice, as they typically boast spacious, well-maintained walk-in units. Grab a lawn chair from aisle 4 and bring along a book from Tip No. 4 for a devastating anti-summer combo. Albertsons Food and Drug, 5415 SW Beaverton-Hillsdale Highway, 246-1713, and other locations.

Ten Ways To Not ACT YOUR AGE
One senior's tips for making every moment count.

I'm 80 years old and far from ready for the scrap heap. Now, I'm not trying to pretend I'm 20 again. I'm just determined not to dodder away into geezerland. That's why I avoid "seniors" products and stay close to the "action." Here are just some of the things I do to stay out of the rocking chair.

1. Become a contemporary acronym, not a statistic. An excellent acronym is EDA: exercise, diet and attitude. Work out four to five days a week, eat six small meals a day, and please avoid talking about your aches and pains at all costs.

2. Shut yo' mouf. If you walk around with your mouth hanging open and a vacant stare, people will think you're brain-dead. Maybe you are.

3. Never submit to being waited on full-time. A full-time caregiver will send your body straight to the tomb. Keep doing whatever you can for yourself--just slow it down.

4. Don't retire, retread. Wear a snappy uniform. Try landscaping. Be a clerk at a Plaid Pantry or perhaps a security guard.

5. Keep flirting. Snow on the roof doesn't mean the fire is out inside. The biggest gripe I've heard from friends who work at retirement homes is all the trouble they have keeping so-called "old people" out of one another's beds. Go thou and do likewise.

6. Preserve your potency. An older man (or even a younger one) can fail to rise to the occasion. Your friendly urologist has a bag of tricks to bring you up to snuff. Now, Viagra doesn't work for everyone. Penile self-injections or penis pumps guarantee self-confidence.

7. Stick with timeless music. Never listen to "Sh'boom" except in secret. Forget gangsta rap. Woody Allen won't let your best music die. GMC currently runs commercials with music by Louis Prima.

8. Avoid reminiscing. Never start a sentence, "Now, when I was a boy...."

9. Don't dress to redress. Don't tog up like a hipster. Jeans are keen. Dockers will keep you in safe harbor.

10. Lighten up on political diatribes. Our generation is leaving as much mess as all the other generations. Let the new bunch make their own mistakes.