But we shall not concern ourselves here with blockbusters. Instead, here are predictions for 2014 in Portland’s independent theaters.
The Academy Theater will celebrate its new digital projectors with a revival of Terminator 2. Unfortunately, the theater’s skepticism about the digital conversion will prove prophetic as the projector system begins sending signals to a mainframe that will coordinate a worldwide nuclear strike. Mankind will be obliterated, ushering in the rule of the machines.
Emboldened by the success of the Grindhouse Film Festival, the Kung Fu Theater series and other revival programs, the Hollywood Theatre will further emulate New York’s 42nd Street, circa 1979, by resurrecting 35 mm prints of classic pornography such as Debbie Does Dallas, The Opening of Misty Beethoven and Mona: The Virgin Nymph. The acclaimed series will result in an erotic offshoot of Hecklevision that will, in turn, lead to countless arrests.
On a fateful Saturday, a confused movie patron will show up at the Clinton Street Theater’s weekly Rocky Horror screening dressed as a character from Repo! The Genetic Opera. The patron will frantically explain that he thought it was Friday, but his pleas will be drowned out by the thunderous stomping of platform boots. The beating will result in the most bizarre and fabulous gang war in Portland’s history.
The NW Film Center will be shocked to
discover, one hour before the opening-night screening, that none of the
titles for the Portland International Film Festival has arrived.
Frantically, the staff will cobble together a mishmash of YouTube clips, footage from Step Up 2: The Streets, a rerun of Small Wonder and photographs of the programmer’s cat. The three-hour opus will receive universal acclaim from the audience, which will praise its European sensibilities.
- Grindhouse Film Fest continues its New
Year’s Day tradition of showing a secret movie. It’ll probably include
violence, boobs, awesome music, boobs, violence and boobs. Hollywood Theater. 3 pm Wednesday, Jan. 1.
- Nearly 30 years later, Terry Gilliam’s dystopian nightmare Brazil remains as hilarious, terrifying and batshit insane as the day it was unleashed on the world. Academy Theater. Jan. 3-9.
- With respect to Drillbit Taylor, the best John Hughes movie the late legend wrote (but didn’t direct) just might be Pretty in Pink, a teenage dream from a time when Molly Ringwald was America’s sweetheart and Jon Cryer wasn’t that asshole from Two and a Half Men. Laurelhurst Theater. Jan. 3-9.
- 1950’s Gun Crazy follows a young couple as they lay
the groundwork for every set of star-crossed, gun-obsessed lovers to
come. It’s one of Hollywood’s finest noir films. NW Film Center’s Whitsell Auditorium. 7 pm Friday and 8:30 pm Saturday, Jan. 3-4.
- Had the protagonist of 1946’s The Chase seen all
the films his story inspired, he’d know better than to get involved with
his gangster boss’s wife, regardless of what a dish she is. NW Film Center’s Whitsell Auditorium. 4 pm Saturday and 7 pm Sunday, Jan. 4-5.
- To honor legendary lush Peter O’Toole, the Hollywood is screening his best-known film, Lawrence of Arabia. Hollywood Theatre. Saturday-Sunday, Jan. 4-5.
- Before Michael Pollan investigated apples and cannabis, French filmmaker Luc Moullet studied the origins of three simple food items—eggs, bananas and tuna—in 1979’s Genesis of a Meal. Spoiler alert: He found lots of bad shit, including obesity, exploitation and xenophobia. NW Film Center’s Whitsell Auditorium. 4:30 pm Sunday, Jan. 5.
- B-Movie Bingo returns with Dead Heat, in which Treat Williams and a not-at-all-’roided Joe Piscopo put a buddy-cop twist on the Frankenstein story. Or do something else stupidly awesome. Hollywood Theatre. 7:30 pm Tuesday, Jan. 7.