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January 22nd, 2014 MATTHEW SINGER | Headout
 

Headout: Fight Fiction

The imaginary Portland Wizard World battle royal.

headout_k_watts_4012ILLUSTRATION: Larry Watts
     
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Geeks are fighters, not lovers—half the time, anyway. If they aren’t dreaming up erotic encounters between fictional characters, they’re fantasizing about those same characters engaged in hand-to-hand combat and arguing over the hypothetical results. In that spirit, with a slew of geek icons descending on Portland for the annual Wizard World convention this week, and with WWE’s Royal Rumble also happening on pay-per-view this weekend, we decided invent a scenario that would settle several “who would win in a fight?” debates at once—like, say, if some twisted nerd cabal hijacked the shuttle transporting the stars to the Convention Center, forced them into costume and made them compete in a one-hour, over-the-top-rope battle royal, in which only the last person standing receives their appearance fee.

1:00

The participants stand motionless as the bell rings, refusing to engage in such violence. William Shatner breaks the ice by low-blowing Burt Ward and tossing him over the top rope, and the brawl is on—for everyone except Billy Dee Williams and Stan Lee, who stand in the corner sipping martinis and sharing orgy stories.


:55

Adam West, enraged at the cheap shot on his former co-star, tackles Shatner and claws at his eyes. Shatner unhooks a can of Bat-Shark Repellent from West’s utility belt and sprays it in his face, blinding West long enough to slip under the bottom rope unnoticed and hide beneath the ring.


:47

Wrestler CM Punk and Jason David Frank, best known as the White Power Ranger, exchange a furious series of blows. But since both are skilled only in the art of play-fighting, the blows have little effect. Ron Perlman uses his sledgehammer-sized Hellboy gloves to blast both out of the ring.


:40

The cast of The Walking Dead teams up to toss an overheated Perlman. Then they turn on and eliminate Laurie Holden, the actress who plays Andrea. Because who likes Andrea?


:37

Williams excuses himself from his conversation with Lee and heads to the other side of the ring to chat up Cassandra “Elvira” Peterson. Lee butts in, leading to pushing and shoving. Peterson dropkicks both out of the ring. They dust themselves off and ask Holden and Perlman if they “like to party.”


:26

“Time to take out the Ash!” shouts Robert Englund as he lunges at Bruce Campbell with his Freddy Krueger claws. Campbell dodges, and Englund’s claws get stuck in the top turnbuckle. “Well, Fred, it was nice jawing with you!” Campbell quips before chin-butting him to the floor.


:10

The remaining Walking Dead cast members turn their attention to Peter “Chewbacca” Mayhew. An errant Norman Reedus arrow strikes Elvira, sending her to the floor. Mayhew throws off Jon Bernthal and Michael Rooker and boots out Reedus, then lets out a celebratory Wookiee bellow. At that moment, a messenger boy runs to the ring to deliver a cease-and-desist letter from George Lucas. Mayhew calmly steps over the top rope, eliminating himself.


:01

“This is how the West was lost!” Campbell growls, charging chin-first at an exhausted Adam West, but the impact knocks both to the floor. Shatner, emerging from under the ring, sneaks back in and begins celebrating. A voice comes over the arena speakers, congratulating him on his victory, but announces that this is only the first part of the challenge. “Take him to the Ewok Sex Dungeon!” 


SEE IT: Wizard World is at the Oregon Convention Center, 777 NE Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd., on Friday-Sunday, Jan. 24-26. $10 per day, $75 advance three-day pass, $85 onsite. See wizardworld.com for more information.

 
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