Strange, yes, and there are some holes in this theory of mine. But fuck it. This is a theory about Keanu Reeves and, like his movies, it requires a certain suspension of disbelief. And so I submit to you: the Keanu Reeves Hair Prophecy Theory.
It occurred to me during a not-at-all-stoned viewing of Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure (screening in all its excellence this week at the Laurelhurst). Something about that shaggy-dog hair looked familiar, and it really bothered me. Then it clicked: It's the exact same cut Sandra Bullock later sports in The Lake House.
Whatever…hair is hair. But then I watched Ron Howard's Parenthood. In that film, Keanu rocks a mop that's exactly the same as Bullock's lid in Speed, her breakout film with Keanu, '90s bangs and all. Whoa.
And it doesn't stop there: Midway through Parenthood, Keanu's stoner character chops his locks into a shorter style with a butt-part. Midway through The Devil's Advocate, Charlize Theron chops and dyes her hair into the exact same style.
That means Keanu's hair prophesied that Bullock and Theron would eventually rise to prominence in his movies. The blue pill was taking hold.
It goes on. Keanuâs swing-line bob in Paula Abdulâs âRush Rushâ video? Cameron Diaz in Feeling Minnesota. Bogus Journey? That shit is damn near exactly the same as Lori Pettyâs hair in Point Break, which adds a whole new layer to the theory: Keanu Reevesâ characters like to bang women with the exact same hairstyle as his.
There's a scene in Point Break in which Keanu and Petty cuddle. You can't tell who's who because they have the same muscular backs and wavy haircuts. In The Matrix, he falls for Trinity, a woman who sports his Dracula 'do and, throughout the series, pretty much the same cut as Neo's.
And then, of course, there's the Swayze.
Keanu starred with Patrick Swayze in the hockey drama Youngblood. Keanu sports a hockey mullet (the Swayz has a perm). In Point Break, the tables are turned, with Swayze rocking business up front, party in back. And there has been no greater love in cinematic history than the bond between Bodhi and Johnny Utah. Keanu's hair predicted it in 1986. The rest of us can revel in it for eternity.
Yes, this is ridiculous. But think about it: What other actors' roles predict who they fall for in the future? Two years from now, Keanu will romance a Japanese woman with his same 47 Ronin samurai bun, and you will remember me as a great prophet.
Either that, or I should really lay off the grass. Laurelhurst Theater. Feb. 7-13.
- The Black Film Fest continues with 1984âs seminal Beat Street, a drama exploring the origins of that newfangled hip-hop thing. Hollywood Theatre. 7:30 pm Wednesday, Feb. 5.
- Floating World Comics takes over the Clinton Street for a VHS exchange and secret movie. I will gladly trade Baby Boom and Mystic Pizza for a beat-up copy of Point Break. Clinton Street Theater. 5:30 pm (exchange) and 7 pm (secret movie) Friday, Feb. 7.
- Speaking of movies offering glimpses into actorsâ futures, The Lost Boys featured Cory Feldman as a young vampire hunter...setting the stage for his real-life transformation into a bloodsucking, reanimated shadow of his former self. Academy Theater. Feb. 7-13.
- It may look like cutesy anime, but 2006âs Paprika is a decidedly adult affair, with its Terry Gilliam-esque tale of a dream-invading machine on a psychiatric ward. Like The Cell, but with more frogs and less J.Lo. 5th Avenue Cinema. Friday-Sunday, Feb. 7-9.
- The Hollywood remembers the late, great Joan Fontaine with Suspicion. Itâs one of Hitchcockâs finest, with Fontaine pitted against a possibly murderous Cary Grant. Hollywood Theatre. 2 pm Saturday-Sunday, Feb. 8-9.
- The Black Film Fest unearths Sidewalk Stories, a little-seen, near-silent drama about a homeless artist who takes an abandoned baby under his care. Hollywood Theatre. 7:30 pm Sunday, Feb. 9.
- KBOO screens of Amandla! A Revolution in Four Part Harmony, a doc about the music of the South African liberation movement. Clinton Street Theater. 7 pm Tuesday, Feb. 11.
- Say Anythingâ¦ gets a revival just in time for Valentineâs Day, proving once again that stalking is kind of cute if you look like John Cusack. Mission Theater. 8 pm Tuesday, Feb. 11.