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February 26th, 2014 MATTHEW SINGER | Headout
 

Headout: Stunts for Sober Steve-O

The former Jackass star goes straight... to the edge!

headout_4017(steve-o)Illustrations by Allison Kerek
     
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You’ve seen him snort wasabi, light fireworks from his ass and bathe in human excrement. Now, Steve-O is attempting his wildest stunt of all: sobriety! America’s favorite Jackass is off the weasel dust, but that doesn’t mean life has to suck. There’s still plenty of danger for an almost 40-year-old glorified circus geek to get into, even without pot, booze, cocaine, ketamine, Ecstasy, Whip-Its and animal tranquilizers to numb the pain. Grab a barf bag and set your face to cringe—it’s time to experience the insanity of Sober Steve-O!


The Car 2 Go

If you thought watching the Jackass crew hurtle down a hill in a shopping cart was gnarly, wait till you see Steve-O try to merge on the freeway in one of those Lego-sized clown cars. Like Ralph Nader said: Unsafe at any speed, bro!


The Nose Piercing

Stapling your scrote is one thing. Getting a stud at a mall kiosk is another trip entirely! Are those needles sterilized to state health standards? Who knows? That’s the risk of taking life to the extreme.


The Public Bathroom

Steve-O is gonna wish he was back in that upside-down Port-a-Potty when he realizes the nearest restroom is at a mid-level suburban Thai restaurant. That place only has 3.5 stars on Yelp, dude! Bet the hand soap is that weird foam crap, too. Nasty!


The 5-Hour Energy

A normal person slugs an energy drink to get through the workday. Guess what, though? Steve-O doesn’t have a job! He’ll take three 5-Hours to the dome at, like, 5:15 pm! He’s definitely not getting to sleep until after Kimmel’s monologue!


The Binge Watch

Steve-O has been too busy swallowing goldfish and getting kicked in the nuts the last few years to keep up with his stories. With the Jackass franchise slowing down, he’s finally got hours to spend in front of the tube. Y’know what that means? Downton Abbey marathon, bro! Man, when he sees what happens to Lady Sybil in season three…not enough tissues in the world, bro.


GO: Steve-O is at Helium Comedy Club, 1510 SE 9th Ave., on Thursday-Saturday, Feb. 27-March 1. $22-$30. 21+.

 
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