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September 3rd, 2014 12:01 am WW MUSIC STAFF | Music Stories

Gifts for the Queen

It’s Beyoncé’s birthday, so we shook the Portland Beyhive to ask: What do you get the R&B star who has it all?

music-scoller-beyday-chrisdangerILLUSTRATION: Chris Danger

1. “The only thing I can think of that Bey doesn’t have (to my knowledge) is a patent on her amazingly perfect thighs.” —Natasha Kmeto, singer-producer

2. “I would give her a cocker spaniel puppy because it’d be refreshing that the puppy won’t know her fame. It’s also a great dog for international travel, photo shoots and referencing obscure 15th-century works (such as The Master of Game). —Four Eels, visual artist

3. “I kinda see Beyoncé as my down-to-earth best gal pal, and what better gift to give your best lady friend than a vibrator? Not talking about that boring-ass Rabbit! I am talking about high-tech pleasure. I would give my girl Beyoncé an OhMiBod. It’s a voice- and music-activated vibrator with seven different patterns. She can plug it into her iPhone or iPad and go to town.” —Coco Madrid, promoter

4. “If I had the resources, I would commission an island in Dubai to be built in the shape of Bey’s face and fill the surrounding waters with liberated whales and dolphins from Sea World. Would they, in their gratitude, fill the night waters with the Destiny’s Child catalog in haunting whale song? I have no doubt.” —DJ Freaky Outty


5. “I’d get her season tickets to the Blazers, so we could all see her at home games.” —Reva DeVito, singer

6. “We would give Beyoncé an edit of ‘Drunk in Love’ without the Jay-Z verse. We would add a nice synth solo or something that actually complements the song instead of Jay’s janky-ass flow. We would also include a Taser she could use should he ever try to ruin a session again.” —Magic Fades, producers 

7. “I’d be interested in giving her something exquisitely bold and outside of her usual fashion palette. My thoughts on this teeter-totter between the super sci-fi and the fantastically ornate—but let’s go with this $950, mega-multicultural peacock headdress for a particularly mind-bending visual experience.” —Vivian Hua, aka vVv Stardust

8. “I’d give her the presidency. You’re welcome, America.” —Gina Altamura, Holocene talent buyer

SEE IT: Bey Day is at Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison St., featuring DJ sets from Holla’n’Oates and Ronin Roc, a dance performance from House of Aquarius, and video art by Four Eels and vVv Stardust, on Thursday, Sept. 4. 9 pm. $5. 21+. 

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