#TrillBlazin

Following the NBA is, more than ever, a full-time endeavor. For us basketball junkies, the once-sleepy offseason is now a fever dream of free-agency speculation, Trade Machine playfulness, and constant shock at how reporter Adrian Wojnarowski beats everyone to the scoop. But besides LeBron James' stunning decision to return to his hometown Cavs and new Commissioner Adam Silver's swift lifetime ban of racist slumlord Donald Sterling from the NBA, the biggest basketball stories of the last three months didn't happen in court or the pages of Sports Illustrated. Instead, they unfolded on our phones in a seemingly endless stream of Instagram posts, ill-advised tweets, and one infamous video of ultimate bro "Handsome" Chandler Parsons signing his new contract with the Dallas Mavericks by taking shots in a crowded nightclub, with owner Mark Cuban by his side.

In the days before social media, we used to hear sordid stories about players' off-court antics secondhand at a bar—or read about Damon Stoudamire trying to smuggle a few ounces of weed through airport security—but now we see everything happen in real time. With the preseason underway, and the regular season starting in two weeks, it's time to catch up on what all our favorite players were up to during the summer. I present to you the official Blazers' Non-Basketball Power Rankings: Offseason Edition. Because while every Blazers fan spent the past five months rewatching Damian Lillard's buzzer beater on a constant loop, I doubt everyone has seen photos of Dorell Wright's fairy-tale wedding.

[Ed. note: The headline of this piece is a reference/homage to the #Trillblazin# Twitter/Instagram phenomenon. You can buy their gear here.]   

11. Steve Blake
The scrappy 34-year-old point guard is back for his third run with the Blazers, but this time we don't have to worry about Nate McMillan starting him over Andre Miller. He's a much better backup than fans give him credit for—compared to his social media savvy, at least. Blake posted exactly one blurry photo on Instagram this summer, and his bio says he still plays for the Warriors. 

10. LaMarcus Aldridge
There is no disputing that L.A. is the best Blazer on the court, but off the court, he's actually kind of boring. He mostly posts pictures of his kids and vacation selfies. At least his emoji game is solid. 

9. Chris Kaman
Negative points: He really likes to hunt. (Check the NRA link in Twitter bio.) Positive points: Dude has a surprising sense of humor. (His Twitter avatar alone—it's his face imposed on Rasheed Wallace's body—jumped him up 3 spots in these rankings.) Confused points: He doesn't know how to use Google:

No Instagram, thankfully. We just have to imagine all the deer carcases he has hanging in his trailer trash mansion out in Lake Oswego—at least until his reality Web series, Exploring Kaman, debuts.

8. Wesley Matthews

7. Thomas Robinson

6. Nicolas Batum
After making the All-Tournament team for France in the FIBA Basketball World Cup, Batum returned to Portland to prove my theory that everyone in Oregon—no matter how famous—shops at Fred Meyer:

Bet you didn't think I'd stick Leonard this high, huh? Well, I also bet you didn't think he'd spend his summer wearing a Bane mask in public. Leonard also gets 1 million adorable points for his website's attempt at transparency. At the beginning of summer, the "workouts" tab on makingmeyers.com included a clock counting down all the hours he put in at the gym. He made it to 38, then the clock…disappeared.

4. Will Barton

Reasons why Barton is the greatest:

1. He created his own hashtag, #PTF, which stands for Protect the Family. We have no idea what that means.

2. He dresses like a thrift-store Kanye West.

3. He stands in the same pose in every single photo.

4. He can't decide between two self-created nicknames—the People's Champ or Thrill Barton—though both are perfect.

3. Robin Lopez

Judging from his Instagram account, RoLo had the most RoLo summer ever: throwing out the first pitch at a Mariners game; drawing sketches of his crush, Emmy Rossum; clowning on Dame; and absolutely winning the hashtag game with #ChicksAlwaysCuriousBoutRolo. Never change, weirdo.

2. Damian Lillard

Dame is easily the most marketable Blazers player ever. He has a burgeoning rap career with his #4BarFriday social-media campaign, he made a cameo in the Madden NFL 15 commercial just months after starring in a Foot Locker ad, and he is on the cover of NBA Live 15. Oh, and he recently spent a weekend hanging out in Portland with Chad Ochocinco for some reason. He should absolutely top these rankings. Bring on the haters.

1. Dorell Wright

How does a journeyman shooter and borderline rotation player become the coolest person in the entire league? First step: Re-create the "Bound 2" video with a photo on a motorcycle high above Los Angeles. Second step: Film yourself doing the Shmoney Dance with Nick Young and DeMarcus Cousins. Finally, dress as a king for your wedding. It's time to believe in love again. 

MORE: Check back periodically to see how they shift throughout the season.

WWeek 2015