They're coming. Friends and family--ingrates one and all--inviting themselves to your humble home for a holiday sit down. It'd be oh-so Martha (before the fall) if you could only manage to boil water without risking a trip to the hospital.

Well, Bite Club has taken pity on your kitchen-impaired self. We donned our Kiss the Cook apron, picked up the Bite-phone and called some local restaurants to see what they're cookin' up this Thanksgiving. All just so you don't have to risk lifting a wooden spoon, prince(ss).

No need to thank us.

TABLE TOPPER

Jake's Famous*: All the basics plus Chef Billy Hahn's grandma's favorite pumpkin pie--topped with honeyed pralines. Yum. Prix fixe menu: $17.95 adults, $6.95 kids. 401 SW 12th Ave., 226-1419. 11:30 am-8 pm.

Paley's Place*: Chef Vitaly Paley whips up a special menu including juniper-smoked organic turkey, baked ham with sweet potatoes and pumpkin cheesecake. 1204 NW 21st Ave., 243-2403. 2:30-8:30 pm.

Portland City Grill*: Downtown's ultimate skybox offers the ubiquitous bird with a Mandarin orange glaze, Fuji apple stuffing and ginger cranberry relish. $17.95 per person. 111 SW 5th Ave., 450-0030. Noon-8 pm.

BUFFET LINE

The Heathman*: Sanctified holiday spread, or three-course prix fixe menu from 1 to 9 pm. $38 adults, $14 kids. 1001 SW Broadway, 790-7752.

Rivers*: Chef Rolland Wesen throws down a classic smorgasbord, including roast pork loin, cauliflower polonaise, and apple, pumpkin and pecan pie. $32 adults, $15 kids. 0470 SW Hamilton Court, 802-5850. 11 am-7 pm.

McMenamins Kennedy School*: Traditional eats served up in the school gymnasium. $18.75, $9.95 ages 6-12, under 6 . 5736 NE 33rd Ave., 249-3983. 1-7 pm.

Camp 18 Restaurant: Get a jump on the long weekend with a buffet at a bona fide log cabin on the way to the coast. $16.99 adults, $7.99 ages 7-12, under 7 . 42362 Highway 26, (503) 755-1818. 11 am-8 pm.

Todai: The ultimate surf-and-turf--40 kinds of sushi, lobster, prime rib and, of course, the bird. $14.95 lunch, $23.95 dinner. 340 SW Morrison St., 294-0007. 11:45 am-3 pm, 5:15-8:45 pm.

TAKEOUT

Ken's Place: Ken's takes by-the-pound orders for roast turkey breast stuffed with wild mushrooms, garlic smashed potatoes, roasted Brussels sprouts with pancetta and other holiday musts until 4 pm Saturday, Nov. 22. Pick up Wednesday, Nov. 26. 1852 SE Hawthorne Blvd., 236-9520.

Purple Parlor: Go cruelty-free on Tofurkey Day with 8-inch vegan pumpkin pies ($12) and other fruit pies ($15). Taking orders until Tuesday, Nov. 25. 3560 N Mississippi Ave., 281-3560.

Clay's Smokehouse Grill: Have turkey? Clay's gonna smoke it--$1.50 a pound. Frozen birds must be at the restaurant by Tuesday, Nov. 18; Clay's thawed-turkey deadline is 3 pm Sunday, Nov. 23. Pick up your li'l smokies between 7 and 10 am Thursday, Nov. 27. And yes, each bird comes with Clay's smoked gravy. 2932 SE Division St., 235-4755.

CHEAT SHEET

Festive Feast Class: Kitchen whiz Maya Klien offers a hands-on practice session. Make everything from perfect roast turkey and mushroom gravy to caramelized sweet potatoes and a chocolate pecan tart. In Good Taste, 231 NW 11th Ave., 248-2015. 5:30 pm Thursday, Nov. 13. $85.

All kitchens will be serving up traditional turkey and fixins unless otherwise noted. An asterisk (*) means reservations are required.