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June 16th, 2004 The Nose | The Nose
 

The Summer of Self-Improvement

     
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U.S. Rep. Darlene Hooley
The Nose doesn't have any special summer plans. A few days at the beach. A visit from the in-laws, who will overstay their welcome and empty the pantry. A pledge to his gal to finish the cedar deck.

But that doesn't mean everyone should laze away the warm days which could, at any moment, descend on Oregon. Indeed, as he surveys the scene, the Schnoz sees a lot of folks who desperately need some structured summer activities--and he's not just talking about his own rugrats, who are booked up with their probation officers.

And so--with nothing but love in his heart and charity in his soul--the Nose would like to suggest the following summer activities for various Oregonians:

Convicted felon Andy Wiederhorn, who deftly separated a legion of retirees from their pensions in the Capital Consultants debacle, now must prep for 18 months in the Big House. To help him get ready for the prison experience, the Nose prescribes a week with none other than dominatrix Betka Schpitz.

Ad guru Dan Wieden is in some hot water over his University of Oregon workshop--he suggested students confront their fears, prompting one to run naked through a golf course. The Nose thinks Wieden could use some time in prosaic surroundings--Boise, or maybe Des Moines--learning to think back inside the box.

For jet-setting Julie Stott, wife of bankrupt timber tycoon Peter Stott, a monthlong homestay in an Estacada trailer park--just to see how the other half lives.

After they locked up attorney Brandon Mayfield and then--whoops--let him go two weeks later, when lab tests showed he was not Osama bin Laden, the Portland FBI could use a stint at a junior crime-fighters camp.

Oregonian columnist Dave Reinhard seems wound awfully tight these days. (Must be Bush's poll numbers.) A week among "those people" on Fire Island, or maybe in Provincetown, could help Dave loosen up a little--and find a dashing caftan.

Oregon's Public Utility Commission, which is supposed to oversee the monopolies that deliver our telecoms and energy, recently decided it's perfectly OK for Portland General Electric to charge citizens to cover its tax bill--and then TURN AROUND AND NOT PAY THE TAXES. The PUC deserves a stint serving as cabana boys on tax-dodger haven Grand Cayman Island.

City Commissioner Jim Francesconi, who's desperately trying to resuscitate his million-dollar mayoral campaign, could use an all-expense-paid trip to hang out with Tony Robbins. Create an extraordinary life, Jim.

There's gotta be a math camp somewhere that could help anyone who thinks the OHSU tram will get built for the advertised $28 million.

The Nose has no idea what to recommend for those compadres of ex-guv and confessed stat rapist Neil Goldschmidt who are whispering that his abuse of a teenager should never have been revealed. Where do you go to get a clue?

Finally, U.S. Rep. Darlene Hooley has refused to debate Jim Zupancic, the Republican running against her. Tops on her summer reading list is E.J. Dionne's Why Americans Hate Politics: The Death of the Democratic Process.

 
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