People who thought this whole baseball thing was ridiculous anyway - WINNERS

Oregon's assisted-suicide advocates broke out the confetti and vials of sodium pentobarbital after two doses of good news last week. First, a federal court panel reaffirmed its decision to uphold Oregon's Death with Dignity law. Then an OHSU study emerged showing that--contrary to doomsayers' predictions--dying Oregonians are actually four times less likely to choose doctor-assisted suicide than those in states where assisted suicide is illegal.

Mayoral candidate Tom Potter's campaign strategy--seemingly one of doing as little as possible--is starting to look downright brilliant after the police officers' union withdrew its endorsement of City Commissioner Jim Francesconi, accusing him of airing ads that are "intentionally or recklessly misleading."

People who thought this whole baseball thing was ridiculous anyway rejoiced as, over the past week, it seemed Major League Baseball was finally on the verge of officially eliminating Portland as a potential new home for the Montreal Expos. Unfortunately, this development comes after many months of exploiting the Rose City to extract better offers from what people in the know say are the only two real contenders--Washington, D.C., and northern Virginia.

LOSERS

Now Multnomah County inmates have something even scarier to worry about than dropping their soap: the drug-resistant Staphylococcus aureus bacterium. This nasty strain of staph germ, increasingly prevalent in prisons in recent months, causes weeping boils and can wage a potentially fatal attack on internal organs. And one of the most common places to pick up the bug? On your butt, courtesy of a tainted toilet seat.

What budget shortfall? State revenue collectors were left looking sheepish after a state audit revealed that they have failed to collect $1.3 billion in unpaid taxes, fines and overpaid benefits. The state auditors criticized collections officers for foibles like mailing notices instead of using a telephone in their attempts to bring in the uncollected cash.

Portland dogs spent a week living in fear after learning that someone had scattered 10 whole raw chickens at Willamette Park. Even if they weren't poisoned (test results were not disclosed at press time), a stray bone could pierce an innocent canine gullet. This comes in the wake of someone apparently planting pieces of sharp metal in a park near Hosford Middle School last week.