Dateline Oct. 2, 2004:

The announcer on stage at I.C. Mummy speaks with a German accent as thick as his rococo mascara. He introduces the first drag-king and -queen wrestlers, Urtha Quake and Fanny Mae, and then the oatmeal rasslin' is on. The smirking Ms. Quake sprinkles raisins into the mess before pile-driving the beefy Fanny. Slithering and sliding, they strike poses like two porn stars wrestling in a fishbowl of K-Y jelly.

It's clear, folks, that tonight everybody's gonna win.

This kiddie pool full of queers and coagulating oatmeal is brought to you by Sissyboy, Portland's newest gang of gender rebels. The challengers? Portland's reigning drag-king troupe, DK PDX.

The men of Sissyboy rushed the stage at the Scissor Sisters concert last month, stealing the spotlight with their fabulously fucked fashions and attitudes. Their monthly "conceptual" shows--with themes like "Sissyboy in Wunderland" and "Sissyboy Goes to the ER"--resurrect drag's edge by instilling social commentary and, most conspicuously, trash into the performances. They've hit a pleasurable nerve, drawing crowds of hipsters, dykes and gender freaks to rock out to the DJ's electro mash-ups and '80s classics.

Match Two: The drag-king team Double-D Duo clobbers the scrawny Ferocious Teddy Bear Twins to Cindy Lauper's "Girls Just Want to Have Fun."

Match Four: Portland drag king extraordinaire Johnny Mozzarella vs. Sissyboy's tattooed, 6-foot-5 Splendora. The two circle the ring, Johnny darting like an Aderol-snorting Boy Scout, Splendora stumbling in her heels, clawing her blond wig's gnarly locks from her face. Johnny doesn't stand a chance when they collide. Splendora swings him like a knockoff Louis Vuitton purse at a Stark Street catfight.

As Match Four ends, the other wrestlers rush the pit--turning the stage into an orgiastic, writhing mound of oatmeal-encrusted queers. The audience, casualties of flying oats, slowly trickles out.

But they'll be back for next week's party at Holocene: the Zombie Pin-up Pageant.

Zombie Pin-up Pageant:

Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison St., 239-7639. 9 pm Wednesday, Oct. 27. $3. In November, Sissyboy returns to its regular schedule at I.C. Mummy, 332 NE San Rafael St., 888-0323. 9 pm first Wednesday dance party and third Wednesday drag show. $3. 21+.