Spurred by vague premonitions of impending doom, apparatchiks at City Hall last week aired several ways to beef up security, including armed guards and metal detectors.

Nothing is more important than safety in these uncertain times. In fact, we'd like to propose some measures that could really boost the efficiency—and morale—of our municipal servants…

Political-baggage scanner: Require all personnel to check all conflicts of interest, pending lawsuits, ulterior motives and personal vendettas at the door or face reassignment to the Bureau of Licenses.

Bullshit detector: Citizens testifying before City Council will be required to speak into the DiLo Breathalyzer. If bovine fecal analysis exceeds 0.08 percent, citizen will be excluded from City Hall for 30 days. If analysis exceeds 0.10, citizen will be appointed to Neighborhood Livability Task Force.

Turf-battle body armor: Issue city employees Kevlar underwear (one size fits all) to survive interdepartmental skirmishes. Deploy a fleet of miniature Bradley Bureaucratic Infighting Vehicles to maintain peace along the corridors of power.

Lobbyist rectal-pattern identification scan. Crack down on roving bands of lobbyists with a mandatory identification system that can point out known troublemakers—bend over and be counted! Can double as a sidewalk rectal insufflation checkpoint for lobbyists yearning to blow smoke up Portland's asphalt.