FROM THE DESK OF BECK

Dear Tom:

Hey, man! While I'm stuck in Portland for my concert, I've been thinking about your proposition and decided I'd do it. I'll be your best man. I know we aren't friends and you probably only asked me because I'm a Scientologist like you, but what the hell? You deserve to have a thetan soul standing beside you who knows the difference between the analytical and reactive minds. I mean, you don't want some unenlightened thetan who isn't even trying to come to terms with his engrams planning your bachelor party. That would be a disaster. So I've already started planning, and I settled on a more retro theme. Here are a few ideas:

1. We'll call it Hubbardpalooza, after our religion's late, great founder, L. Ron Hubbard. It would be great if you planned the wedding for next spring, so we can celebrate your union to your thetan bride and also celebrate the 20th anniversary of Ron moving on to his next spiritual exploration. I wonder what he's doing right now. Well, wherever he is, I hope they take cash, because Ron has a whole bunch of mine. And yours, too. By the way, has Katie bought her E-Meter yet? I saw a nice one for sale on the Internet for a couple thousand.

2. Next, we'll throw on the old naval uniform (it's been ages since I wore mine for a Sunday service) and go for a cruise. We'll ship off in honor of that big old float trip Ron took back in 1967. You remember, that was when he was trying to protect his followers from those idiots who wouldn't believe him. About that old alien warlord Xenu who brought us frozen souls to Teegeeak (or as they say here, Earth). The only difference is that instead of being booted out of Mediterranean and Caribbean countries for being suspected spies, we'll get booted from seaside booze-houses for being knowingly wasted.

3. We must celebrate our positions as Operating Thetans, because once Katie moves in, you won't be able to talk about the highest state of spiritual awareness with her, since she's a newbie. So, let's smoke a J (I know, I know, you're better at that no-drugs thing than I am), celebrate our immortality, and look forward to freedom from the cycle of death and birth. Then we can do some karaoke. How about "Fame"? I want to live forever/ I want to learn how to fly!

4. The way to happiness, as we all know by now, is through oral hygiene and good all-around health. That's why I'll plan to serve only large doses of beef liver and peanuts at your bash. These niacin-B3-rich foods will not only help purify our bodies but give our poop a shiny glow, just like Ron wanted, or wants. Sorry, I forgot he's still around.

5. Forget about strippers. I've got the wheels in motion to find us a preclear babe. We can spend the night auditing her and helping her get rid of that nasty reactive mind. I bet together we could clear her.

6. Instead of party games, I thought we'd pass an E-Meter around and get in touch with our areas of spiritual distress. I'll bring a suitcase filled with copies of Dianetics; maybe we can sell 'em to the other guys when they're drunk.

Friends in L. Ron,

BECK HANSEN

GLOSSARY

E-Meter: Short for Electropsychometer, a specially designed instrument that helps locate areas of spiritual distress. Retail cost around $1K-$5K.

engram: A recording made by the reactive mind when a person is unconscious.

preclear: A person who is receiving Scientology auditing on his way to becoming Clear, hence pre-Clear. Through auditing he is finding out more about himself and life.

thetan: An immortal spiritual being; the human soul. One does not have a thetan; one is a thetan.

Definitions taken from www.whatisscientology.org .