Oh, Old Town: source of approachable and bountiful booty, even if you wake up with rashes from time to time. It's Friday night and the BFF and I have an itch that needs scratching. With our best look (latex), a wad of cash ($19) and ChapStick, we're ready for combat—or at least an easy lay.

First stop: SoLo (1300 NW Lovejoy St., 220-0080), conveniently tucked beneath an Office Max deep in the Pearl. We wait in line, have our mugs immortalized for napkinnights.com and get slapped with a $20 cover charge by a sexless door wench wearing a full leg cast. 40 big ones to see little black dresses, heels, runway makeup, all-white gator shoes and bling? Girls hang over the balcony screaming obscenities and the guys look like they'll make me try too hard.

On to Ohm (31 NW 1st Ave., 241-2916), where we're frisked at the door and spend some time two-stepping next to pretty boys who smell good and mouth along to every Li'l Weezy song.

Two blocks away at "Four Coochie Corners"—Dixie, Pala, Dirty, Tube—we witness a 5-0 shakedown, lots of blond hair and tiny skirts. This is booty Mecca, Zion—the precoital Promised Land. Fuck a club and cover, just stand on the sidewalk long enough and you'll be pregnant by morning. Dixie Tavern (34 NW 3rd Ave., 234-9431): Corn-fed faux farm hicks, cowboy hats and boots, nut-hugging wranglers, self-tanners. Pala (105 NW 3rd Ave., 242-0700): Easily scored drugs and nonstop fashion-channel TV do not a "fashion lounge" make. Trust. Dirty (105 NW 3rd Ave., 227-1898) is probably full of doable dick, but the camo-clad, Kevlar-vest-and-handcuff-laden door brutes working security are way too intense to risk going inside.

Around the corner, Bettie Ford (1135 SW Washington St., 445-8331) teems with college candy once you get past the tacky blue cross logo. Infirmary? So not hot. It's crowded enough to lose yourself grinding potential ass on the dance floor, though.

Last stop, the Crown Room (205 NW 4th Ave., 222-6655). Can grade-A booty be discovered here? Indeed. We get hollered at walking over to the Crown, while standing out in front of the Crown, and inside the Crown by boys who have all their teeth and speak in complete sentences. Score.