 MAXIMUM VELOCITY: The Hillsboro delegation returns to downtown Portland at 8 pm Saturday. IMAGE: Photos by Matt Wong |
They punked the media. They punked the cops. They punked themselves. The red tide of Santacon debauchers pouring into Washington County on Saturday—an event predicted everywhere from WW to NPR’s All Things Considered—turned out to be a ruse, designed to divert attention from the Portland Cacophony Society’s 250 downtown-Portland Kringles Saturday, Dec. 6, and the even larger crowd expected to return this Saturday, Dec. 13. Only about 75 Santas showed up at All Star Sports Lounge in downtown Hillsboro at noon, and that number trickled off as the evening’s Santa Death March wound its way along the MAX Blue Line, stopping at such vibrant nightspots as Friends Cafe & Pub in Beaverton, a Nike office-park diner that sometimes hosts karaoke. (It was not hosting karaoke Saturday night.) The increasingly fatigued old elves—“There’s nothing out here!” one moaned—were met at every stop by a squad car of Hillsboro police officers, who had been assigned to follow 50 people and observe them drinking in bars. The prank on the suburbs was inspired, in concept—in practice, it translated to “getting drunk in the middle of nowhere.” It was, in short, lame. Along with a gibe at the gullible, this year’s Santacon provided an unintended object lesson: It is not possible to party ironically.
I am not sure what ww was looking for in Hillsboro. ww feels that not being lame is equal to; Santa's in handcuff, santas fight with bar owners, santas showing body parts. The problem was that ww only stayed until 6:00 and then went home to their lame lifes. We made our own party. I had a great time and made a complete ass out of myself. I humped my wife on a cop car, got totally hammared and wanted to punch a bartender and basically accousted a mother and daughter on the max to let me take a picture with them. Good times! Thank God my wife pulled me to the car and she drove (not intoxicated) to Vancouver where we continued to harass the local bars at the Northbank and top shelf. There was nothing like 15 drunk santa's in a gay bar when they have a transvestite/crossdressing party going on. ww should have been there.
Holy hell, will you guys hire a fact checker? Please? An intern at least? A) the 250 Caco crowd was in NoPo NOT downtown, b) the downtown choads were NOT affiliated with the Cacos, they were the people the Cacos were avoiding, and C) None of those events were actually called Santacon (There was the Anticon in NoPo, a santa-themed pub crawl downtown and the hoax "Santacon is not today" thing in Wash. Co).
You better make a plan now cause you can not count on them!