The things we do for you: Watching the new Wes Craven movie on a perfectly lovely Saturday afternoon. (It wasn't even raining that hard.)

My Soul to Take

WW Critic's Rating: 10 (out of 100)

It's been 16 years since the Riverton Ripper capped his killing spree by eviscerating his wife and either dying in or escaping from a burning ambulance down by the river, over which the "old railroad bridge" crosses, and in which the Ripper's soul or decayed body or something might or might not pulse with an inexplicable grudge against seven Riverton teenagers who were born on the day the Ripper might or might not have died. Wes Craven, who actually wrote (and then filmed!) a scene in which some prick kid refers to an "old railroad bridge" before another prick kid dies on the "old railroad bridge," has not directed a film based on one of his own screenplays since 1994, and that "old railroad bridge" chestnut I love so much is only one crackling example of the whip-smart pith he's been storing up for use in My Soul to Take; the seven marked teenagers, who are all more or less repulsive, need to do little more than hang back and wait, awestruck, as Craven tees up one scintillating Sturges-grade line after another. Don't believe me? Well, wake up and smell the Starbucks. Yup, I stole that line. From My Soul to Take. Oh, and this is off the subject, but I bet if you looked up "rectum" in the dictionary, you'd find a picture of Brandon there. Stole that one too. From My Soul to Take. Who's Brandon? Who gives a fuck. Do you really actually care who the Walrus is? No, you take another toke and let the Beatles spin their magic. So let Craven be great, as he indubitably is in the following snappy exchange: "How about I have my dog bite it [jock's penis] off and bury it in the backyard?" Pause. Jock who owns penis in question: "How big is your backyard?" As you can see, My Soul to Take doesn't have to be scary or suspenseful for even one second—it's too busy being the funniest movie of the year. R. CHRIS STAMM. Century 16 Cedar Hills Crossing, Century at Clackamas Town Center, Century Eastport 16, City Center Stadium 12, Cornelius 9 Cinemas, Division Street Stadium 13, Evergreen Parkway Stadium 13, Hilltop 9 Cinema, Oak Grove 8 Cinemas, Sherwood Stadium 10, Tigard 11 Cinemas, Wilsonville Stadium 9 Cinema.