Jamie Stewart of Xiu Xiu’s Top 5 Anthropomorphisms

If you add glasses and a mustache to one watermelon and then tears streaming down the cheeks of the other watermelon, they are a perfect couple. One can be triangular, the other can be a crescent wedge.

Any frog looks great if you put it in a pink frock coat and lacy cravat. If you can get it to smile, it really helps.

Toast has just been sliced and then burned, so it makes perfect sense it would need to be frowning, or at least baring its teeth. If it has arms and legs it can fight you, so, depending on what you are in the mood for, do or do not add them.

Human heart
Considering the lack of emotional depth most of us exhibit, this cannot have a full rotating eye—just a black pupil. The lips should be blue as to reflect its inherent coldness.

They, in real life, are almost us already. So it is confusing (and therefore interesting) to give them human characteristics, such an OMD fan button or a gold bracelet. You see yourself, and then return to the wildlife preserve.

SEE IT: Xiu Xiu plays Holocene on Wednesday, March 24, with Tune-Yards, Pearly Gate Music and Operative. 8:30 pm. $10. 21+.