The 12 Shows Of Christmas

You want cheer? This week is full of it!

BY MICHAEL MANNHEIMER & CASEY JARMAN

There are two ways to approach the holidays: You can hide from the overwhelming commercialism of it all, avoiding the Christmas decorations that dot every drugstore even before Halloween, or you can buck up and get your yuletide on. So, in honor of our secret love of cheesy holiday songs (and possibly the slowest week for touring bands), we've rounded up a sweet list of 12 holiday shows sure to put a smile on your Scrooge of a face (did we mention these places serve booze?). Hey, it's better than hanging out with your relatives, right?

Tony Starlight Christmas Extravaganza

Where: Tony Starlight's, Wednesday, Dec. 16. 8 pm. $12. 21+
What It Is: A Vegas-style Christmas program led by Starlight, featuring swinging jazz renditions of “Winter Wonderland” and comedy bits involving Frosty the Snowman.
Cheer-O-Meter: Nine ladies (swing) dancing

Paul Brainard's Fun Machine Holiday Special

Where: The Spare Room, Wednesday, Dec. 16. 9 pm. 21+
Acclaimed steel guitar whiz (and Richmond Fontaine sideman) Paul Brainard hosts a night of Christmas cover songs in a bar that's one part Twin Peaks and another part old bowling alley.
Cheer-O-Meter: Eleven drunks a-drinking

The Portland Round 10 (Holiday Edition)

Where: The Woods, Thursday, Dec. 17.

9 pm. $8
Tahoe Jackson belts the hell out of everyone's holiday favorites at Portland's favorite ex-funeral parlor venue.
Cheer-O-Meter: Five ‘60s Christmas flashbacks

Holiday Soul

Where: Jimmy Mak's, Friday, Dec. 18. 7:30 and 10 pm. $15. 21+
Local saxophonist/arranger Patrick Lamb invites Portland soulstress (and Prince backup singer) Liv Warfield to belt out holiday standards and beyond.
Cheer-O-Meter: Two calling birds

Rosie Thomas: A Very Rosie Christmas

Where: Mississippi Studios, Friday, Dec. 18. 9 pm. $12. 21+
Cutesy singer-songwriter Rosie Thomas performs songs from her 2008 record A Very Rosie Christmas. Alternate title: A Very Twee Christmas.
Cheer-O-Meter: Three French hens, and most likely at least two French horns

White Album Christmas

Where: Bossanova Ballroom, Saturday, Dec. 19. 8 pm. $25+. All ages
The Beatles' iconic White Album, performed in its entirety (save for “Revolution 9”) by the Nowhere Band with background stilt-walking, fire-eating and plate-balancin'.
Cheer-O-Meter: Ten guitars a-weeping

Holiday Sweater Party

Where: Ash Street Saloon, Saturday, Dec. 19. 9:30 pm. $5. 21+
An excuse to get piss-drunk off spiked eggnog and dance to three underrated local rock bands while wearing your favorite holiday sweater. The more crocheted reindeer, the better.
Cheer-O-Meter: Two turtle doves (on your cardigan)

Fourth Annual Xmas Jam and Holiday Coat Drive

Where: KJ's Bar and Grill, Saturday, Dec. 19. 21+
A holiday coat and blanket drive benefiting the Portland Rescue Mission with performances from a bunch of singer-songwriters we've never heard of.
Cheer-O-Meter: One partridge in a pear tree—but unlimited Christmas points on the coat-o-meter

Cascadia Yulegrass

Where: Wonder Ballroom, Sunday, Dec. 20. 7 pm. $20 (12 and under $10). All ages
Accomplished fiddle player Darol Anger and other bluegrass pickers bring you a rustic, old-timey Christmas party
Cheer-O-Meter: Five golden rings, gently used

Christmas Blues

Where: Edgefield, Sunday, Dec. 20, 7 pm. Free. 21+
Notable Portland blues guitarist and songwriter Mary Flower pairs with Jesse Withers to deliver some holiday blues and some regular old blues. Christmas for the depressives!
Cheer-O-Meter:

Professor Banjo's Old-Time Holiday Party

Where: Mississippi Pizza, Sunday, Dec. 20. 4 pm. $10/family. All ages
Professor Banjo (Portland beardo-folkie Paul Silveria) plays for kids and adults. He'll be adding a dose of holiday cheer to his set of quirky Americana tonight. If you're feeling extra gay (which means “happy” at Christmastime), stay late for Fannie Mae Darling's Queer Christmas!
Cheer-O-Meter: Three Red Ryder BB guns

Twelve Singer-Songwriters of Xmas

Where: Thirsty Lion, Tuesday, Dec. 22. 8 pm. Free. 21+
The end product of a Survivor-style singer-songwriter showdown, tonight's show features the winning contestant. Intrigue! Eggnog!
Cheer-O-Meter: Ten pieces of popcorn on a string