Editor's note: Corey Pein makes his triumphant return to Portland in June as a
news writer. For now, he's in London, where he reluctantly filed this dispatch.-Beth Slovic

There was a big do-to about a supposed black bloc plan to disrupt the celebrations—all bogus of course. This "Anonymous" fellow above showed up, however. There was lots of Jesus talk. The Anglican Church is not as relaxed as you might think. The food was bad. Mmm, mushy peas. The beer was bad. Microbrew is an unknown here. The coffee was worse. I had to add several shots of Bailey's Irish Cream to mine in order to make it palatable. Ultimately, as I came to see, the similarities outnumber the differences. The next royal wedding should be in Portland. It'd be a hit.