Timothy Hutton lives outside the law. Jody Stahancyk is a divorce lawyer. Now they are the last candidates standing in WW’s Mayoral Madness.
How did this come to pass? We credit the political might of the 99 percent: Defying the fat cats—and what we assume is a reasonably svelte 6-ton pachyderm—you, the people, have chosen two candidates who rob from the rich to give to the poor (assuming that you define "poor" as "the law offices of Stahancyk, Kent & Hook").
We're not exaggerating when we say this tournament has surpassed our goofiest ambitions. From Tres Shannon's disqualification to Victoria Taft accusing us of rigging the race, from Rose Garden signs supporting Mike Rice to Jack Bogdanski pooping on an elephant, this has been a satisfyingly absurd exercise in pure democracy.
But now it's time to get serious. We will all have to live with this choice.
That's why we went backstage at last night's Candidates Gone Wild and asked local politicos to look deep in their hearts (or the cash donations where their hearts used to be) and tell us who would make the best mayor. Here's what they had to say:
Eileen Brady: "I'm voting for Jody Stahancyk because she's tough and she's funny."
Jefferson Smith: "I'm not willing to endorse anyone until they release their platforms. I have to know what they stand for! What if they support racism? I need to see their policies first."
Charlie Hales: "Jody, hands down. She's tough and she's local."
Mayor Sam Adams: "Timothy Hutton."
The time is now. The city's pretend future waits for your decision. Voting starts today. Polls close at 8 pm Monday April 23. Choose wisely.