Lemme break with journalistic decorum for a minute and get all fanboyish and fawning here. I had the pleasure of interviewing Mean Jeans last Monday, and the two hours I spent picking at those dudes' lives and songs made me love my life and my job, because I believe Mean Jeans is the best band on the planet right now, and shooting the shit with the mad geniuses responsible for contemporary classics like "Slime Time" and "Stoned 2 the Bone" and "Ready 2 Rip" and "R U Mental" was nothing short of revelatory for me.

I whittled my investigation of the Mean Jeans gestalt down to a 500-word profile that you can read in this week's paper. I feel like I did a pretty good job of highlighting the most salient aspects of this most brilliant band. But the Voice Memo app on my phone caught Mean Jeans moments that should not be kept hidden on my Android for all of eternity (and eternity it shall be, for my phone and its thousands of dick pics will be buried with me in an unmarked grave if I ever die).

Much of my interview was devoted to trying to get Christian and Andrew to "unpack" their band's lyrical obsessions with things like macaroni and Jagermeister and partying. They weren't too keen on being psychoanalyzed by a prying journalist, but I think their terse answers are revealing in their own ways.

And so, without further ado, I give you Mean Jeans, in their own words, on their own terms. If you're not familiar with the wacky world of Mean Jeans, I suggest watching the video for "Anybody Out There?" before reading any further. It will give you some idea of what we're dealing with here.

(Oh and PS: Obtain a copy of Mean Jeans on Mars immediately. It is one of the best pop-punk albums of all time, and I'm serious as a fart attack, okay?)

Mean Jeans on Macaroni (which stands in for all things beautiful and desirable on the new album):

"We love macaroni." - Christian

"We're not here to sing songs about pizza or whatever." - Christian

"And there's certainly a desire to be sponsored by Kraft." - Christian

Mean Jeans on partying and being "retarded" (basically the things Mean Jeans are all about):

"Our biggest strength, in terms of playing live, is that we party and we have a good time and everyone else does too. It's a good time regardless of how well we play." - Andrew

"'School Lunch Victim' was an old song that we slowed down and made retarded." - Andrew

"We ARE a party band, but Andrew and I don't give a shit about the expectation of writing more songs with the word "party" in them." - Christian


Mean Jeans on the concept of "Slime Time" (which is also the title of the best song off their first album):

"'Slime Time' means whatever you want it to mean, whenever you want it to mean it.' - Christian

Mean Jeans on Keanu Reeves (who seems to represent the pinnacle of coolness for these guys):

“He’s badass.” -Christian 

"A big goal of ours is to play with Dogstar at some point." - Christian

"Keanu is such a clueless, bad actor, just doing what he's supposed to do." - Christian

Mean Jeans on Jagermeister (which is essentially holy water Mean Jeans, and which Christian was kind enough to introduce me to near the end of our interview):

"Jagermeister is what we drink when we drink, and that's every day." - Andrew

"You wanna do a Jagerbomb? Yeah, let's do a Jagerbomb." - Christian

"I've never seen Andrew sit out on a Jagerbomb." - Christian

"You know what. These aren't dropper cups." -Christian

"That was a Jagerbomb fail, to be honest. They're supposed to be smaller glasses." -Christian

On the word "shitty" (which is third only to "and" and "the" in the Mean Jeans lexicon):

"It's the perfect descriptor for most of my life situations. Come up with another word." - Christian

"It's a really dumb word, but it's one of my favorites." - Christian

"How would you describe me having to go drive a cab until 6 in the morning? Fucking shitty as hell. Or me watching you guys do Jagerbombs? That's shitty." - Andrew

SEE IT: Mean Jeans celebrates the release of Mean Jeans on Mars at the Eagles Lodge on Friday, April 20, with Therapists, Bi-Marks and the Bugs. 8pm. $5. 21+.