October 27th, 2012 12:15 pm | John Locanthi News | Posted In: Sports

Almost Live: Colorado at Oregon

Historic 46.5-point underdog Colorado attempts to be competitive


 Today is a historic event. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Throughout the entire history of the Pacific Coast Conference, Pac-8, Pac-10, and now Pac-12, there has never been an underdog as big as Colorado, who just fumbled a kickoff. Good hustle, buffaloes.

Colorado is a premier example of a conference expanding to try to draw larger TV markets—in this case, Denver. They are the historical 3rd-best team in the Big-8, a conference dominated by Nebraska and Oklahoma. Their mythical National Championship in 1990 was aided by the infamous "5th down" play. They have a Heisman winner in their past, too. But most people only remember Colorado because of the scandal-laden Barnett years of the mid-2000s.

The all-time record between Oregon and Colorado is tied at 8-8... for an hour or two at least.

I remember Oregon fans talking about the 2002 Fiesta Bowl between these two teams. Colorado fans were obnoxious blowhards until the game happened. Afterwards, they were nowhere to be found. Judging from the emptiness of the visitors' section at Autzen, I'm not sure if Colorado fans even exist.

12:28 Oregon 14, Colorado 0

I literally got into the press box just in time to see Oregon score a touchdown several plays after Colorado fumbled the opening kickoff. Our good friends in Boulder are playing like their coach bet on Oregon. Which doesn't make sense as anyone knows that Chip Kelly is going to bench his starters once the Ducks are up by 40 points.


"There are three fouls on the offense on the play" - Official

I guess if you can't play well, you might as well play dirty. Boorish offensive attempt by the buffaloes.

6:56 Oregon 21, Colorado 0

Oregon scores again following an impressive display of Colorado's attempt to instigate the mercy rule by leaving Kenjon Barner completely uncovered on the play that got the Oregon offense inside the 5-yard line. 


Kenjon Barner's 70-some-odd-yard TD run is called off because of a questionable holding call. I'm not sure of why the officials are bothering with these trivial calls. They're just delaying a touchdown to help a team that does not belong in the conference. Network executives likely share my thoughts.


BREAKING: De'Anthony Thomas is really good. 44-yard run down the sideline by Oregon's finest backup running back.

1:44 Oregon 28, Colorado 0

DAT scores on a 16-yard play. I'm not sure why the unwashed masses insist this game is played. The underdog mantra was aided by Stanford beating USC despite being a 41-point underdog in 2008... but that was USC. Oregon doesn't fool around with this garbage.

You guys remember Arizona State? You know, those plucky underdogs who so adorably thought they'd beat Oregon last week? Well, they're up 14-0 on the beavlings' most impressive win, UCLA, right now. Conference play this year is setting up to be a big road bump for the Ducks' national championship game appearance.

12:36 in the 2nd Quarter: Oregon 35, Colorado 0
Kenjon Barner with another impressive run for a touchdown. Incredible, unbelievable, super-human vision says the guy sitting next to me in the press box. That must be it. Or maybe Colorado simply doesn't belong on the same field as this Oregon Ducks team. Colorado is worthy of a good guffaw and little else. A good excuse for day-drinking, might I add.

For the love of God, why do they have two dudes doing play-by-play in the press box. Just when one is naming players the other drowns him out. Damn you, Don Essig!

11:06 Oregon 42, Colorado 0
De'Anthony Thomas returns a bouncing punt 73 yards for a touchdown. Did Jon Embree put money on the Ducks to cover the 46.5 point spread today? This is a reprehensible display of attempted football by Colorado.

Guy next to after I rattled on about Colorado's quasi-championship, Heisman winner, and well-known scandal with the female kicker me in the press box: "You must be from Colorado, since you seem to know so much of their history." Yeah, something like that. Or maybe I just do research on the pathetic foe facing Oregon today. Great amounts of effort went into trying to make today's game sound interesting.

6:16 Oregon 49, Colorado 0
Nice pass and catch there to Daryle Hawkins. Come on, Buffaloes, at least try to make this interesting dammit!

Colorado's backup QB appears to be in the game to take on Oregon's second-string defense...

Oregon defense tips the pass on fourth down to stop the Colorado "offense" once again. Brian Bennett is now in at QB for the Ducks. What we've got here, Colorado, is a failure to be competitive. Ducks quickly move into the red zone.

0:20 Oregon 56, Colorado 0
Bennett runs in for the touchdown completely untouched after wonderful read. A solid put-down of these pathetic underlings before the half. This game might be beneath Oregon but it is mandated by the Pac-12, even if games should be called off when one team is favored by 45+. Lessens the risk of injury that way.

Halftime: Oregon 56, Colorado 0
Oregon was favored by 46.5 points in this game, and I thought Vegas was insane. As woeful as the buffaloes are this year, the Ducks were going to put in their backups once they were up by 40+ points. I didn't account for Oregon's backups being far superior to Colorado's starters. Normally, I'd say "good hustle, Colorado" but even that level of condescension is not merited. Colorado hasn't played well enough to be patronized.

Don't look now, but Arizona is up 10-0 on our opponent next week, mighty USC. You may remember Arizona from such fun games as Oregon 49, Arizona 0 last month. The Trojans may have milked their victory against a sleep-walking Oregon team last year into a #1 preseason ranking this year but they couldn't even keep up their end of the bargain and be undefeated for next week's showdown. They're poised for loss #2 today.

Re: Colorado

3rd Quarter
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the second half!

Colorado's receiver just dropped a pass and assumed the fetal position instead of getting hit.

9:41 Oregon 56, Colorado 7
Well, there goes the shutout. Colorado is still playing hard... and hustling... and... and... I can't even do it anymore. They scored on Oregon's back ups but this game is never going to be remotely competitive. They kept it closer against USC last week when Matt Barkley completed 19 of 20 passes...

8:02 Oregon 56, Colorado 14
Buffaloes strike quickly after a bad fumble by 4th stringer Ayele Ford. Buffs still fighting and fighting. They've got the edge on Oregon's 3rd and 4th string back ups. On a related note, they've failed to keep the students entertained. Calling the student section one-third full would be charitable.

3:55 Oregon 63, Colorado 14
"Unsportmanlike conduct" is called on the Ducks following Brian Bennett's second touchdown run. Taunting remains one of my favorite penalties, especially against such pathetic foes as Colorado. Rub it in, Duckies, rub it in!

"After the play, number 34 on Oregon unnecessarily came into the play and lead with his helmet" - Referee

Roundabout way of describing a personal foul

Derrick Malone of Oregon forces a turnover and returns it to Colorado's 32. In the battle between Colorado's starters and Oregon's 3rd stringers, the Ducklings are about to even it up at 14 a piece.

1:00 Oregon 70, Colorado 14
Back up QB Bennett scampers in from 17 yards out for his third touchdown of the game. Oregon's backups vs Colorado starters are all tied up at 14 a piece

End of the 3rd Quarter
Oh how I've missed the tradition of doing the "Shout!" performance from Animal House in between the third and fourth quarters at this stadium. Too bad the students weren't here to liven it up. But here's to doing it in the press box. Here's a clip to remind you of the tradition that also shows an important play from a far more important and entertaining game:

Ducks' back ups stuff Colorado on 3rd & 1, forcing the Buffaloes to punt once again. Anyone curious about Colorado's competence today should watch this clip of De'Anthony Thomas' punt return for TD earlier today:

You have to pay really close attention here—blink and you might miss it—but if you look really closely you might notice the HUGE FUCKING TALENT GAP between these two teams. Games like today are why college football needs a mercy rule. Colorado was a 46.5 point underdog today. Oregon was up 56-0 at halftime. Can we at least have a running clock? Some of us need to go home and drink brandy before going out tonight.

Hey, look everybody, Oregon's rarely seen 3rd string QB Dustin Haines is in. Did you miss it? They're punting now. Move faster, clock. The marching band is now playing an orchestral cover of a Britney Spears song... please, just let this end.

The press box is emptying out. Back up QB Brian Bennett is named the player of the game. That really is all you need to know about today's football game with the Buffaloes from the University of Colorado.

Final Score: Oregon 70, Colorado 14
As previously mentioned, Colorado was a historic underdog tonight and they played like it. Oregon beat the 46.5 point spread and did so easily. This is an incredibly good Oregon team and I'm beginning to fear I won't have the pleasure of watching a close game in conference play this year.

USC is up next. They are Oregon's toughest match up talent-wise but are struggling with pathetic Arizona right now. All the Ducks need to practice this week is triple covering Marqise Lee. I sincerely doubt the USC game will be close. It's a revenge game. They caught Oregon reading it's own press clippings following a complete domination of top 5 Stanford on the road last year. Won't happen this year.
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