hypothesized last month, he just might have been too good to stay at the college level.

Some reports have suggested that current Oregon offensive coordinator Mark Helfrich will be promoted to head coach. However, the University of Oregon is required to post the position on their website. A job description for the position is up—no prior head coaching experience required!—and sources say at least one obsessive Ducks fan is applying.

John Locanthi
2220 NW Quimby St.
Portland, OR 97210
(503) 243-2122

January 17, 2013

Rob Mullens
Athletic Director
University of Oregon Athletic Department

Dear Mr. Mullens,

Over the past four years, Oregon's football program has become a national powerhouse. But now "Big Balls" Chip Kelly is taking his talents to the Eagles dynasty, leaving an opening at one of the most attractive coaching jobs in all of the Pac-12.

I’m sure your email box is stuffed with the resumes of worthy candidates eager to be summarily passed over for offensive coordinator Mark Helfrich. Allow me to be one more, but I do have some experience that is hard to come by. I bring on-the-field experience from my seven seasons as head coach of the North Carolina Tar Heels in EA Sports' NCAA Football 2006. The consecutive national titles speak for themselves, and my team won them in similar fashion to Kelly’s last year at Oregon: My backups routinely played the entire second halves of blowouts. However, not once did I deal with figures like Willie Lyles—in fact, the NCAA never investigated the program during my tenure. I was repeatedly invited to move up to the pros with a position leading the Oakland Raiders in Madden NFL 06, but politely declined without any undue fanfare.

That coaching experience and a lifetime spent as an armchair coach of the Oregon Ducks have given me an acute understanding of preparation, play-calling, clock management and hindsight. Perhaps you remember the timeout that gave Minnesota enough time to properly line up for the game-winning field goal in the 2003 Sun Bowl? See, I wouldn't have called that. Also, I would not have played for a field goal in the waning seconds of the loss to USC in 2011 and I may very well have recruited a better kicker before the 2012 season.

I would enjoy an opportunity to talk with you or someone in the athletic department to discuss the terms of a contract or any other positions which might fit my skill set as I am currently a freelance writer for Willamette Week, a position which has not yet afforded me the opportunity to consume brandy and cigars of the quality I'm seeking. Please see my resume below.


John Locanthi

P.S. I do very much enjoy attending Oregon Club of Portland luncheons.

John B. Locanthi 
2220 NW Quimby St.
Portland, OR 97210
(503) 243-2122

Objective: To lead the University of Oregon Ducks to a 1,000 year reign of glory.

Experienced football coach looking to move up to the next level: actually coaching football. I have a broad understanding of the college football landscape, excellent verbal and written communication skills, along with the ability to work independently. I am highly motivated and can multi-task. A proven track record as a master recruiter, specifically while selling “program prestige” and “coach prestige.” I completed a three-month internship at Willamette Week during which I drank a lot of beer and interviewed hobo pirates on their boats. As a UO alum, I have deep roots in the community.



Obsessively watched the football team play—both in person and on TV—while offering insightful and constructive criticism about how the team’s performance could be improved. I frequently collaborate with colleagues during and after games to break down and analyze game film in no-holds-barred sessions. Expert at clock management and fourth down decision-making. For example, would not have tried a run up the middle on 4th & goal against Auburn in the 2011 National Championship game.


Turned a perennial also-ran into seven-time national champions. Coached many players that went on to become perennial All-Americans and win major trophies, including five Heisman-winners. Had the top statistical offense and defense in the country every year, even when playing the backups for the second halves of most games in seasons 5 though 7.

University of Oregon, Eugene, Ore.
Bachelor of Arts in Journalism, June 2011
Major: News/editorial
Minor: Anthropology

Skills: Microsoft Word, Adobe InDesign, Powerpoint, HTML. Working knowledge of Photoshop, Excel and Italian. Food Handler’s License.