’s hotly anticipated lineup is out and—woof
. If this lineup
was announced for Sasquatch, we’d be ho-hum. But for the West Coast’s premiere music festival to have Blur, Phoenix and the Red Hot Chili Peppers headlining is really bumming us out.
1. Hillel Slovak
The first guitarist of Sunday headliner Red Hot Chili Peppers, who died of an overdose in 1988, back when the group was just a bunch of L.A. meatheads rocking penis socks. Current guitarist Josh Klinghoffer—yes, the band’s current guitarist is Josh Klinghoffer—would be asked to stand on the side of the stage idly strumming his guitar on all Slovak-era songs.
2. Daft Punk
Still alive and anonymous, a holographic version of the French duo would take over the Saturday night headlining slot from Phoenix. Phoenix would then play the slot it deserves, in the Mojave Tent at 3:15 pm.
3. Drunken holo-brawl between Noel and Liam Gallagher
Filmed with 3-D cameras in a dirty Manchester pub after giving the boys a case of Newcastle. Would be shown on a side stage as Blur plays on Friday night.
Or, better yet: No Blur at all! We’d love to see 3D versions of Damon Albarn’s most interesting project, a cartoon rap group, replace Blur on Friday.
Would join Lou Reed to sing “I’ll Be Your Mirror” and “All Tomorrow's Parties.” A holographic Andy Warhol would briefly show up on the side of the stage to cheer and offer bundles upon bundles of high-grade Afghani heroin.
6. Ian Curtis
Would briefly turn New Order back into Joy Division. Joy Division would then play the flip side of Unknown Pleasures
before Curtis faded back into the ether.
7. Mike Ness, circa 1983
Would stand on the side of the stage during Social Distortion in order to shame present-day Ness.
8. Ol' Dirty Bastard joins Wu Tang Clan
Actually, if this doesn’t happen, most people will be unpleasantly surprised.