Of course the New New Old Lompoc will never be as good as its predecessor.
The tavern opened at 11 am today in the fancy new mixed-use building that sits where the dilapidated old shack that housed the former brewery used to be.
It may have the same name, but it's not the same bar.
So, yeah, while the New New Old Lompoc (they call it the "Lompoc Tavern") is pretty great, it lacks the mildewed charm of the old bar which, apropos of nothing, was the closest watering hole to Willamette Week's office.
So, after giving the bar a full two-and-a-half hours to get its shit together, WW staffers descended on the very busy new bar and compiled this very thorough list of everything that might possibly be claimed to be wrong with it.
Here is that list...
The New New Old Lompoc smells too fresh.
What is this, an Applebee's? Couldn't any of the smelly old wallpaper be salvaged? And did they even try?
The new tavern offers too many tap beers to fit on one tasting tray. Sorry, hoss, we want to try everything! Right now!
One waiter did not even know that the tavern had taster trays!
Sure, many of the staffers are familiar faces, but the new guy who brought us our food and drink didn't even know they had taster trays. He was polite after we pointed to the $8 taster tray on the menu, and even brought us a bonus taster cup, but, seriously, what the fuck? Couldn't every single old employee be hired back from their new jobs after a year?
The music is too bluesy.
What, this is a blues bar now?
The three styles of wood paneling do not match. And, in fact, clash. Is this supposed to be a fancy new condo building or a scrappy old bar or what?
The front patio heaters appear to be too far from tables.
This means that they will either have to run very high, wasting precious energy, or we will be cold for a week or two in November.
The math is weird.
Unless the 10 oz. glasses were meant to be cheaper by the ounce than the pints?
The pro-baldness propaganda gets a little heavy-handed.
With both an altar out front and a sign in the bathroom. Baldness is OK—we get it already!
Some guy unscrewed a wall panel to have the glowing lights of a Netgear router visible to paying customers.
You've been open for two and a half hours. Is that not enough time to get your Internet and phone and whatever fixed? Paying guests like us had to have our eyeballs assaulted by a faint blue glow and the sight of exposed wires, like we're at a construction site or something.
It's rainy today.
It sure would have been nice if they'd opened the pub last week, when it was nice and sunny.
Plants are disrespected.
They stuck one in an old toilet. Plus, maybe that toilet could have been used in the bathroom, as there was a line (of one person) waiting for the bathroom.
They played a Strokes song from an album that is not Is This It? Really?
The chicken wings are too fat and meaty to fit into tiny ranch dipping cup.
Sure, they were actually way better than the Old New Old Lompoc's wings—great sauce, nice and juicy—but their mammoth size was problematic. Either give us boney little wings or invest in some larger sauce cups, please.
The wine list is almost non-existent and includes no Oregon pinot noir or riesling.
How about having a little local pride, guys?
The math is weird, part 2.
We're pretty sure [New] + [New] / [Old] Lompoc = New Lompoc, not Lompoc.
The wine list misspells Sauvignon as "Savignon." Really, you didn't pay an editor to read your chalk boards?
While most of the beer was very nice standard Lompoc fare, the seasonal Maibock was a little too fruity.
The entrance may be about five feet farther north.
That's five feet farther from the WW office. Given the journey involved, you guys aren't going to catch us here any sooner than 6 pm today...
Below, some pictures from this imperfect new bar.
But, seriously, welcome back to the neighborhood—we missed you.