Bridgetown Jokes's Diary: Thursday 8 May

Mike Acker, Rebecca Jacobson, Matthew Korfhage, Kaitie Todd and Brandon Widder file from the first day of the Bridgetown Comedy Festival. Many of these comedians will perform again later this weekend: Check out the schedule and buy tickets here. Our day-by-day picks are here.

Drinks Consumed Yesterday:

76 ounces of Pabst Blue Ribbon.

16 ounces of Tecate (with lime).

12 ounces of Ninkasi Total Domination.

 6 ounces of Bulleit.

8:11 pm. Bossanova Ballroom. Paul F. Tompkins (as H.G. Wells): “How many people have no idea what this is or why you are here? (Enthusiastic applause.) Welcome to the enthusiastically ignorant! What a treat it is to have people so excited about a lack of knowledge. But ain’t that America, as your John Mellencamp puts it?”

8:13 pm. Bossanova Ballroom. Jon Daly (as Oscar Wilde): “Oooh, a stageboy!”

8:34 pm. Doug Fir Lounge. Peggy O’Leary: “Being sober in a nightclub is like being a journalist at war. You can blend in for a while, you can wear the outfit and hold the equipment, but the moment when shit goes down, you’re like ‘Uuuuuuuh, nope.’”

 

8:47 pm. Bossanova Ballroom. Jon Daly (as Oscar Wilde): “I put my gilded lily into the Sasquatch pit of Constance. The unknowing bramble. The mystery swamp of sexual congress. It’s nothing that I would like to experience again.”

8:48 pm. Doug Fir Lounge. Mary Van Note: “I saw a book at the grocery store. The title was Men Who Knit, And the Dogs That Love Them. That’s such a specific demographic. It has to be men, and then those men have to knit, and then those men have to have dogs, and those dogs have to love the men. And then those men also need to know how to read. It’s a hard sell.” 

9 pm. Bossanova Ballroom. Jon Daly (as Oscar Wilde): “What is a mystery, after all, if not an unknowing that is now searched for and then therefore known. Oscar Wilde.”

9:02 pm. Bossanova Ballroom. Jon Daly (as Oscar Wilde): “Give it up for yourself, Portland, you’re beautiful. Reminds me of England, except more white people.”

9:09 pm. Doug Fir Lounge. Adam Newman: “I love being in Portland. Last week I had to fly from Boise, Idaho, to Minneapolis, Minn.—or as I like to call it—’Boyz II Men.’” 

9:15 pm. Doug Fir Lounge. Adam West: “Here’s a fun game I like to play. I like to call car insurance companies and try to see how long you can keep them on the phone before they realize you’re trying to insure the Batmobile. The secret is, you need to use the old Adam West Batmobile, because they need to know specifics about the car. So when they ask what kind of car it is, you can say go ‘It’s a 1955 Lincoln.’ The first problem you run into is when they ask what color the car is, and you have to say, ‘Technically it’s called velvet bat fuzz—but let’s just call it black for the purposes of this.’” 

9:24 pm. Bossanova Ballroom. Jon Daly (as Oscar Wilde): “Standup, showcase! Don’t give up your rights. Standup, showcase! Don’t give up your rights. Buffalo jokester!”

9:26 pm. Bossanova Ballroom. Paul F. Tompkins (as H.G. Wells): “A soccer podcast? Something for no one! A podcast for no people!”

9:28 pm. Doug Fir Lounge. Sean Cullen: “Portland is a magic place, a dreamy place. A place where diagonal streets happen everywhere for no reason. ‘Hey, how do I get there? Oh, take seven rights.’”

 

9:37 pm. Doug Fir Lounge. Sean Cullen: “I worry about the police in Toronto. The other night I shot a werewolf on my lawn. He was coming at me, I had to kill it. So I discharged the firearm and called the police, because that’s what you do, you report these situations. So I’m waiting there—10 minutes, 20 minutes, 30 minutes, 40 minutes. Finally they roll up and ask what the problem is. I say, ‘If you had been here a half an hour ago, you would have found a dead werewolf on the ground.’ Instead there’s just a dead, naked man with a bullet hole in his chest. It looks like I’m having homoerotic gunfights on my lawn, which is not the case. Now I have to get legal representation.” 

9:40 pm. Alhambra Theatre Lounge. Amber Tozer: “Whenever I can’t remember a joke, it reminds me of a joke about how I can’t remember things.” 

9:50 pm. Alhambra Theatre Lounge. Henry Phillips (singing while playing guitar): “Don’t you wish there was a pill you could take and it would make you one of those guys who kicks ass on the guitar?” 

10:01 pm. Alhambra Theatre Lounge. Henry Phillips: “This is kind of a smooth jazz song. So girls, if you want to show your tits or something…” 

10:03 pm. Alhambra Theater Lounge. Henry Phillips: “I want to apologize for my voice tonight…And every night…It’s a shitty voice.” 

10:10 pm. Alhambra Theatre Lounge. Dax Jordan: “This is my favorite room that has the ceiling of a bowling alley, and the lighting of an opium den.” 

10:16 pm. Alhambra Theatre Lounge. Casey Ley: “You guys [lesbians] are just better. You guys are out there building armies of socially-conscious, gender-neutral kids, and we’re just trying to get our dicks sucked in glory holes. That’s our thing, man. Glory holes prove that gay men are the most courageous people in the entire world, though. Because we’ll put our dicks in a random hole in the wall, somewhere, and just hope.” 

10:18 pm. Alhambra Theatre Lounge. Sean Jordan: “Right leg cheerleader, left leg cheerleader, Van Damme. You can do the splits three ways.”

10:19 pm. Hawthorne Theatre. Baron Vaughn: “I bet when you first started walking, giants that looked like you came out and took pictures.” [Note: Emo Philips was in the audience at The New Negroes showcase, and apparently when he thinks a joke is funny, he doesn’t laugh. Instead, he opens his mouth and sort of cocks his neck, like an aristocrat who’s been told something mildly interesting. After this joke, Emo Philips’ mouth remained, however, closed.]

10:20 pm. Alhambra Theatre Lounge. Sean Jordan: “Nobody ever said, ‘Look at the guy with a backpack just killing shit over there.’” 

10:25 pm. Alhambra Theatre Lounge. Dwight Slade: “All my friends thought I should do Internet dating. I think people who meet on the Internet and get married should be required, by law, to use their username in the ceremony right there in the chapel. ‘Do you, Snapplicious69, take DonkeyKongSr, as your LOLBFF?’” 

10:20 pm. Hawthorne Theatre. Ben Bizuneh: “I’m an immediate texter backer. I feel like you are too. I see it in your eyes.”

10:26 pm. Hawthorne Theatre. Ben Bizuneh: “I can’t tell if a girl likes me unless she’s actively touching my penis…and even then, it’s up in the air.” [Emo Philips’ mouth: open.]

10:29 pm. Eagles Lodge. Jesse Elias: “Mulan sauce. Look it up, it happened.” 

10:31 pm. Eagles Lodge. Jesse Elias: “Dammit, Honeycomb, I don’t need you to be a functioning adult in society!” 

10:35 pm. Hawthorne Theatre. Will Miles: “I like Brooklyn because it’s half gentrified, and so am I, so we get along.” [Emo Philips' mouth: closed.]

10:39 pm. Hawthorne Theatre. Will Miles: “I’m in an open relationship where we don’t have sex. I keep trying to sleep with her and she keeps batting it down. She’s like the Dikembe Mutombo of not fucking me.” [Emo Philips’ mouth: closed.]

 

10:40 pm. Alhambra Theatre. Chris Locke: “I don’t think I could handle the names of the the vids on YouTube with me in them like ‘Bald Guy Tries on Fedora.’” 

10:44 pm. Eagles Lodge. Matt Ingbretson: “He’s building dramatic tension, like the Stephen King of Yelp reviews.”

10:45 pm. Hawthorne Theatre. Curtis Cook: “When it comes to vaginas, I’m like an expectant mother. What do you want the vagina to look like? ‘I don’t care, as long as it’s healthy.’” [Emo Philips’ mouth: open.]

10:47 pm. Eagles Lodge. Matt Ingbretson: “Have you ever noticed that when you’re eating pizza with a group of friends, there’s always that one friend who volunteers to eat everyone’s crust? Next time, take a closer look at that friend, because they’re probably just a bunch of pigeons in disguise.”

10:48 pm. Hawthorne Theatre. Curtis Cook: “When white people say they’re one-sixteenth Native American, it sounds to me like they’re bragging about a rape that happened a really long time ago.”

10:49 pm. Eagles Lodge. Matt Ingbretson: “So having hairy dimples is like the equivalent of a puppy having male pattern baldness.”

10:52 pm. Hawthorne Theatre. Curtis Cook: “I was talking to girl and she was into me but she was drunk, and you’re not supposed to have sex with a drunk girls because that’s rape. So I just got drunker than her because that’s how morality works…. Watch out for the guys who just clapped at that. That joke’s called, ‘Where are the monsters?’” [Emo Philips' mouth: open.]

 

10:56 pm. Hawthorne Theatre. Rob Hayes: “They say white people are dying of gluten. We didn’t have gluten when I was growing up.” [Emo Philips’ mouth: closed.]

10:56 pm. Alhambra Theatre. Melissa Villasenor: “Here’s why I like coffee shops. One: depressing folk music, and two: couples breaking up.” 

11:02 pm. Hawthorne Theatre. Rob Hayes: “I need for flying cars to have come out about 1998, 1999, so I could get a nice used one now.”

11:06 pm. Eagles Lodge. Julian McCullough: “And you died for a daiquiri because you didn’t listen to me. But they are irresistible, so it’s not your fault.” 

11:15 pm. Eagles Lodge. Adrienne Iapalucci: “I knew I had given up on myself when I stopped putting toilet paper down on public toilet seats.”

11:15 pm. Hawthorne Theatre. Byron Bowers: “They’re taking dogs into abortion clinics now. ‘Wait here! i’m going to go kill this baby.’... I told that joke in an abortion clinic and I killed.” [Emo Philips’ mouth: closed.]

11:25 pm. Alhambra Theatre. Hari Kondabolu: “I’m not saying that all vegans are Nazis, I’m just saying that this Nazi was a vegan. Why? Because I’m giving him depth.” 

11:37 pm. Hawthorne Theatre. Kimberly Clark: “White movies, blackened. Anacondaleezza Rice.”

11:41 pm. Hawthorne Theatre. Reggie Watts: “Portland has the most Hey man, watch outs per capita of any city, second only to Berlin.” [Emo Philips’ mouth: closed]

11:45 pm. Hawthorne Theatre. Reggie Watts: “I know a lot of people here are big fans of whooping cranes.”

11:51 pm. Hawthorne Theatre. Reggie Watts: “MMMGH god s wayyyyq do do do AUBS gDAAH, DDDDD aaaaauuughhhdMMMM BA Bag. WAwwrr do GRAUGH I’ma oven. Baby put it in the oven.” [Emo Philips’ mouth: open.]