"I feel like ironing boards are just surf boards that got practical and gave up on their dreams." —Aaron Weaver

"I'm the queen of getting pregnant and then not having babies." —Kristine Levine

“Here’s a life hack for you guys: If you ever need to get your entire T-shirt and counter wet, wash a spoon.” â€”Tanner Hodgeson

"Being sober in a nightclub is like being a journalist at war. You can blend in for a while, you can wear the outfit and hold the equipment, but the moment when shit goes down, you're like 'Uuuuuuuh, nope.'" —Peggy O'Leary

"I was talking to girl and she was into me but she was drunk, and you're not supposed to have sex with a drunk girls because that's rape. So I just got drunker than her because that's how morality works…. Watch out for the guys who just clapped at that. That joke's called, ‘Where are the monsters?’” â€”Curtis Cook

"Have you ever noticed that when you're eating pizza with a group of friends, there's always that one friend who volunteers to eat everyone's crust? Next time, take a closer look at that friend, because they're probably just a bunch of pigeons in disguise." —Matt Ingbretson

"I like reading the nanny ads in New York. 'We're looking for a Mary Poppins for our children.' What a whimsical way to say 'white'!" —Alice Wetterlund

"Research over the last thirteen years has taught us that most terrorists simply have low self-esteem.... We have satellites six miles up that tell us when people are spending most of their lives in fetal positions." —Emo Philips

"Is anybody here who owns Voodoo Dougnuts?" (Nobody responds.) "Voodoo Doughnuts is pretty overrated.” —Kumail Nanjiani

"My dad died a couple months ago, this is true, and last Christmas was my dad's last Christmas. It was a tough time, I didn't know what to get him for Christmas. Do I get him something he wants, or something I want to inherit?" —Laurie Kilmartin

"Portland is a magic place, a dreamy place. A place where diagonal streets happen everywhere for no reason. 'Hey, how do I get there? Oh, take seven rights.’” â€”Sean Cullen

"To be a member of an oppressed class, Howard Zinn has to talk about you a lot." —W. Kamau Bell

When asked about living in a van: "For starters, I have to choose all my beverages based on my ability to pee in their containers. I don't know if you guys ever have to make that decision at the grocery store, sizing up a fruit juice. 'Well, this is low in sugar, but can I pee in it?' You want to go with a wide-mouth, 32-ounce Gatorade, not a 20-ounce Diet Coke. That's not a dick joke, that's just simple ergonomics. When you only have 54-feet of living space, it's really important none of it is covered in urine.” —Dave Stone 

"All my friends thought I should do Internet dating. I think people who meet on the Internet and get married should be required by law, to use their username in the ceremony right there in the chapel. 'Do you, Snapplicious69, take DonkeyKongSr, as your LOLBFF?’” â€”Dwight Slade

“I saw a dolphin in the river today.” (Audience: “No you didn’t!”) â€œWhat was it?” (Audience: “A sea lion!”) â€œWhatever, that’s just as magnificent.” —Spencer Crittenden

“MMMGH god s wayyyyq do do do AUBS gDAAH, DDDDD aaaaauuughhhdMMMM BA Bag. WAwwrr do GRAUGH I’ma oven. Baby put it in the oven.”  —Reggie Watts