Welcome to Haute-N-Ready, in which John Locanthi, Willamette Week’s trencherman of leisure, tastes the hastily made, modestly priced food of the common man.

A by-the-bite breakdown of the Taco Bell quesarito

Over the years, I’ve had the odd gordita, grilled stuft burrito or enchurrito (may it rest in peace), but I’d yet to taste the quesarito or even the aforementioned Doritos Locos tacos. The Quesarito Big Box—a quesarito, a nacho cheesier Doritos Locos taco and a regular hard taco—ensures that this ends today. 

As for the quesarito itself. Smaller than I predicted, the first few bites were relatively pleasant. (I ordered it sans sour cream and utilized the potent fire sauce to combat the bespeckled, off-color cheese goo described as a chipotle sauce in the literature.) At first, it seemed like a subpar grilled stuft burrito surrounded by the thinnest quesadilla known to man. If only I could have been so lucky. To those of you who are ever weary of dishes that refuse to specify which cheese are contained, know that there is a very good reason: You wouldn’t order it if you knew. There is not enough hot sauce or soda in the world to deal with this thick plastic, cheese-like substance. 650 calories never tasted so foul.

I’ve not tried Chipotle’s quesarito as of yet, but I doubt Taco Bell’s offering would fare well in a comparison. It couldn’t even compete with the rest of the big box.