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Over the long, hot weekend, the Portland Trail Blazers evaporated.
Wes Matthews declared for the Dallas Mavericks, Robin Lopez signed with the New York Knicks, and LaMarcus Aldridge finally made his cryptic intentions perfectly clear and cast his lot with the sad-ass San Antonio Spurs. Nicolas Batum was already gone. The team didn't seem to make even a cursory effort to re-sign anyone. Only Damian Lillard remains, living in his new golden castle, all alone, the world around him scorched to the bone, with only faint signs of basketball life growing from the ashes.
The Blazers are dead. Long live the Blazers.
You might be feeling some feelings. I am looking to help you sort through and cope with those feelings.
JEALOUSY: Ugly emotion! And you could very well be succumbing to it, right now. "Every team gets big free agents! No one likes Portland! Wahh wahh wahh!" Stop it, you! Stop it right now! The Spurs might have taken the second all-time leading scorer in Trail Blazers history, but it's hot there all the time and their rivers are sad and anemic compared to yours! Have you ever seen a tree outside of the West Coast? It's a sad and pathetic spectacle, the worst nature has to offer.
The only proper way out of the Cave of Jealousy is the convince yourself, wholly and completely, that the thing you have is actually better. Spend some time with highlight mixes from the Blazers' new players: Ed Davis, BLOCKING SHOTS! Mason Plumlee, in a "PLUMS" jersey, blocking LEBRON JAMES (who the Blazers could still technically sign, he is a free agent) at the rim to win a game! The entire library of Meyers Leonard three-pointer mixes! You'll never have to watch a long two again. Noah Vonleh really BRINGING THE EFFORT In Summer League! Who needs those stuffy old Spurs anyway? Not us, when we're looking forward to "Pat Connaughton - 44" Max Vertical Leap," baby!
CRANKY: It just a bunch of bullshit! Everything is bullshit! Basketball, life!
Look, it's hard. Everyone's gone and the Blazers are almost certainly going to be terrible. You are not unlike the baby whose food and warmth have been taken away. Where once you watched the Blazers every other night or so, pumping your fists, cheering innocently for a victory, you will now mark the losses, one right after another, praying for a draft pick, latching onto small victories for young—or, realistically, older than young—players. You don't deserve this. You need comfort.
What you need to do is get into a goooood swaddle. Call a loved one (or an Internet rando, if you don't have any loved ones), lie down on your bed, and have them really get the cloth tight around your bod and lower the light. You will be shocked by your newfound sense of security and comfort. If you can get a little hamster water bottle and fill it up with warm milk, that's really gonna do you right.
DEPRESSED: Van Halen is playing in Ridgefield, Wash., tonight. Drop $40 and never be sad again. (Or be sad forever, who knows. Dave could probably die on stage.) Eddie trained his son to play bass so he would never have to talk to Michael Anthony ever again! That right there is a guy with a long-term talent development plan: The Blazers could learn a thing or two about player development from that guy, if you ask me.
INSECURE: Can the Blazers never make me happy? Is this all it is, forever: Build, fall apart, rebuild? When does the catharsis come?
WWeek 2015