Perhaps seeking a more receptive audience for his odious droid humor, George Lucas has finally made Star Wars
a kids' movie. Don't look so hurt; that time is long past. I cried for The Phantom Menace
– what a mess – but Clone Wars
was unable to elicit so much as a single tear from my tired old eyes. It's a fact that each of these new Star Wars movies is worse than the one previous. In that regard, at least, Clone Wars
An intergalactic war rages between the Grand Army of the Republic and the New Droid Army of the Separatists. At this key juncture, both sides struggle to secure the support of the Hutt Clan, bandits who regulate space flight in the Outer Rim. Specifically, Darth Dooku and his droid minions have kidnapped Jabba the Hutt's hideous infant son, and now they're trying to pin it on the Jedi. It's up to Anakin, Obi-Wan and a perky padawan called Asoka to save Stinky the Hutt and return him to his father. If they don't, well, all is lost.
Ultimately, the only thing weirder than seeing a Jedi fight a lightsaber battle while wearing a baby backpack is a strange and apparently pointless visit to Jabba's effeminate Uncle Ziro (pictured below). Equal parts Eric Cartman and Scarlett O'Hara, Ziro the Hutt is a giant hermaphroditic slug who wears purple Mardi Gras feathers and speaks with a lisping Southern drawl. Of all the unwarranted accents assumed by Star Wars characters over the years, this has to be the strangest.
Zero the Hutt, Jabba's fishy uncle. Picture courtesy of Wookiepedia
The good news is that kids seemed to like it. After the show, WW
talked to Ian and Ben, both age 6, who actually quoted several of the droid jokes. Ben says his favorite part was when the droid couldn't tell whether Darth Ventris was a man or a woman. Adopting a robotic monotone, he mimes, “Uh, sir, I mean ma'am, sir?” Both kids bust up laughing.
But those over 12 had best stay away from Clone Wars
. Otherwise, they might find themselves so frustrated with this tired old franchise that they'll start swearing in Hutt language. Sing it with me, Jabba. Jeeska da sookee koopa moe nanya, Lucas! Yana na gulu, um bona nai kachu. Moova dee boonkee ree slagwa. Dopo mee gusha, peedunkey? Ah ah ah ah ah. Ah ah ah ah.