Joe vs. Bonnie

Come fall, Portland is cold and brunch lines are long. That's true year-round, of course, but this is when people start getting surly. It's wet, it's windy, and the asshole ahead of you on the list who is waiting on a table for 17 just took the last of the half-and-half.

It often seems there's no respite from the tyranny of patience where toast and egg scrambles are concerned. But that's just because you're not looking hard enough. For instance, instead of the new Pine State Biscuits window, have you thought of trying the nearest gas station?

Last month, Bonnie's, the burger and teriyaki joint that shares space with the Astro gas station on Northwest 21st Avenue and Marshall Street, began serving breakfast, putting it in direct competition with the Slabtown 'hood's hottest brunch spot, Joe's Cellar.

Which is better? We visited both to find out. And we didn't have to wait for a seat at either.

LOCATION

Joe's: Next to Joe's Cellar (1332 NW 21st Ave., 223-8825), a windowless blue-collar watering hole favored by Willamette Week staffers for post-deadline brain-numbing. 

Bonnie's: Inside the snack shop of a bright yellow Astro gas station (1111 NW 21st Ave., 224-8438), which also serves burgers and teriyaki for lunch (and has also proven popular with this paper's employees).

DéCOR

Joe's: If the bar is a cellar, the café is a sunroom as decorated by your grandmother: long and narrow, with sky-blue walls, a soda-fountain-like counter and estate-sale decorations. Think photos of old-time Portland and framed portraits of shaggy dogs wearing Scottish golf caps.

Bonnie's: Like somebody built a lunch counter inside an office break room, then added some Goodwill flower art just to spruce things up a bit.

COFFEE

Joe's: $2 for a mug of Farmer Brothers.

Bonnie's: $1.50 for a paper cup of Caffe Umbria's Arco Etrusco blend.

OMELET

Joe's: Medium-sized but dense. Choices include a traditional Denver, Pap Pap's Mexican Omelet (chorizo and onion) and the Portland (bacon, caramelized onion, pepper jack). 

Bonnie's: There's only one style, stuffed with the usuals. The sausage looks like Jimmy Dean's own, and the overall texture is the bad kind of gooey.

OTHER MENU HIGHLIGHTS

Joe's: The Divide and Conquer is basically Joe's version of the KFC Famous Bowl: two buttermilk biscuits topped with everything in the building, including bits of chicken fried steak, onions, jalapeños, mushrooms, onions, gravy, three eggs and bacon. And yes, you are allowed to bring beer and cocktails from the bar into the cafe.

Bonnie's: Other than bagels and a basic breakfast burrito, there isn't much else, unless you count the candy rack.

OVERALL EVALUATION

Joe's: A perfectly acceptable greasy spoon, suitable next to that first whiskey of the morning.

Bonnie's: You're eating eggs in a gas station. If you can get past that mental hurdle and appreciate the meal objectively, you're more Zen than I.

WWeek 2015