Nine Compliments for Foster the People

Foster the People is playing MusicfestNW, which means there's a chance you might see the band members hanging out in Portland this weekend. What are you going to say to them if you see them waiting at Church for a Clockwork Orange? It has to be something nice, but also cool. Can't think of anything? That's what we're here for. As we once did for Nickelback, we've come up with this Foster the People-specific list of compliments to keep in your pocket as you travel through the hip spaces of the city this weekend. Play your cards right, and you might soon be the fourth People. 

1. "You don't seem too racist."

When I Googled "Foster the People racist" there were two things that came up, and they were both very weak. That said, your videos do give off the impression that you aren't acquainted with any non-white people. And there is an Instagram of Mark Foster wearing a sombrero and flipping off the camera. Our highly sensitized, liberal arts-educated interns have yet to determine whether this is officially cultural appropriation or not.

2. "You're all so good at whistling!"

Honestly, you guys should give, like, a class in that.

3. "I think you're feminists?"

Your "Best Friend" video seems to be about the damage Photoshopping can do to the self-esteem of models. Naming your last album Supermodel really shows your support for the cause of professionally attractive ladies. Kudos for your brave stance.

4. "You're very cute."

Certain elements in Willamette Week's office believe it is a demeaning microaggression toward men to call them "adorable" or "cute" in print. To them I say, "Have you seen Mark Foster the Person?!"

5. "Your bass player is Cubbie Fink, probably the perfect name for a bass player."

When I audition bass players for my new band, my one requirement will be that they are named some combination of Cubbie Fink. (Fink Cubbie and Fubbie Cink are also acceptable.) Unrelated, is Cubbie interested in Taylor Swift covers and available on Tuesday nights?

6. "You finally got the American people talking about gun violence."

"Foster the People says with the right level of pumped-uppedness in your kicks you can outrun a bullet!"

7. "You finally got the American people talking about pumped-up kicks."

"But Stan, how does one get these so-called 'pumped-up kicks' that one needs to outrun said bullet?"

8. "You are really into one of my interests: early '90s music."

On your newest album you have a song called "Nevermind," which I am assuming is a Nirvana tribute, and a song called "The Angelic Welcome of Mr. Jones," which can only be a reference to the Counting Crows' first major hit.

9. "You never appeared on Glee."

Yeah, according to the wiki, the cast did sing "Pumped Up Kicks" on a Season 4 episode called "New Beginnings," but you guys weren't physically there when it happened. Way to show a little self respect!

Foster the People plays at 8:30 pm on Friday, Aug. 21.

WWeek 2015

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