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March 19th, 2014 KATHRYN PEIFER | Headout
 

Headout: Temple of the Doomed

Archiving past Headout pages better off lost.

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For 24 hours beginning at 10 am this Saturday, amateur librarians at the Independent Publishing Resource Center will play Indiana Jones.

It’s not quite as exciting as it sounds. There will be no rolling boulders, Nazis or dancing cobras. Actually, you’ll just be helping the IPRC pen abstracts, stick on barcodes and add an ancient trove of 20,000-plus zines into a database. In exchange for all that free labor, the IRPC will give “fun prizes” to the volunteers who catalog the most pages and zines, and to the group that shows up with the best costumes.

In honor of the event, WW sent one of its own intrepid explorers (read: an unpaid intern) to unearth the worst Headout pages in the newspaper’s history. Here’s what she found.


“W.W.J.D.?”

Oct. 17, 2007

Attempt: Announces the fifth annual Portland Fashion Week with a chance to style Jennifer Aniston in the latest eco-friendly fashions.

What went wrong: Take a look at that debauched graphic. Jen’s head must have been decapitated from her original body, then super-glued to this one. Talk about proportional. Also note, the lovely, sometimes psycho Jen is referred to as “the former Mrs. [Brad] Pitt.” You never really shake your ex. 


“Christmas-Up Your Apartment”

Dec. 23, 2009

Attempt: A coloring page to beautify your apartment for the holidays.

What went wrong: A coloring page that makes your apartment look like a kindergarten class. Might as well throw in some intricate paper snowflakes and a popcorn garland. The directions are written for a kindergartner as well—is there a prominent population of WW readers under age 10? And just look at the detail on the fireplace. Nobody has time for that.


“Stare Way to Heaven?”

Nov. 9, 2011

Attempt: Braco (pronounced BRAHT-zoh) is a Croatian gaze-healer who travels the world staring at people until their pain and sadness disappears. 

What went wrong: I don’t know if it’s the fact that Braco appears God-like floating in midair surrounded by mountains that gives me the creeps, or if it’s his Billy Ray Cyrus mullet. Probably both. I have so many questions about Braco, but I hope he’s never floating around to answer them.


“Milkism”

Feb. 6, 2013

Attempt: Ernie Button’s Cerealism art show featured wild landscapes made of children’s breakfast cereal. We asked Button to make a companion piece using milk products.

What went wrong: I think I puked a little in my mouth. And it looks like someone else did, too.


GO: Raiders of the Lost Archives is at the Independent Publishing Resource Center, 1001 SE Division St., 827-0249, iprc.org. 10 am Saturday-10 am Sunday, March 22-23. 

 
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