Bridgetown Jokes's Diary: Friday 9 May
Jokes from day two of the Bridgetown Comedy Festival.
Read jokes from day one here.
Drinks Consumed Yesterday:
60 ounces of Pabst Blue Ribbon.
16 ounces of Coors (purchased by a trio of bros who may or may not have also shared their weed cookie while standing in line outside the theater).
12 ounces of Double Mountain Vaporizer.
12 ounces of Pelican Kiwanda Cream Ale.
12 ounces of Miller High Life
12 ounces Lompoc Dagda Bourbon Barrel Aged Ale
16 ounces Lompoc Hop Experiment IPA
16 ounces Breakside Pilsner
16 ounces Mirror Pond Pale Ale.
6 ounces well gin and tonic
24 ounces Temperance Trader whiskeys and ginger (sponsored)
7:37 pm Doug Fir Lounge. Jim Hickox: “The reason I go skydiving is so I can yell at the whole Earth for two minutes.”
8:04 pm. Bossanova Ballroom. Jonah Ray: "You know what they say about Portland: If you don't like the weather, wait ten minutes and kill yourself. It never changes."
8:06 pm. Bossanova Ballroom. Kumail Nanjiani: “This is what you think the sun is? That’s adorable! This is like the clouds whispering about the sun.”
8:07 pm. Bossanova Ballroom. Kumail Nanjiani: "Portlandia is inaccurate because they never portray the racism."
8:13 pm. Bossanova Ballroom. Kumail Nanjiani: "Is anybody here who owns Voodoo Dougnuts?" (Nobody responds.) "Voodoo Doughnuts is pretty overrated."
8:22 pm. Bossanova Ballroom. Julian McCullough: "Kansas has a billion-dollar soccer stadium. With a “b.” And you think, where did Kansas get a billion dollars? Then you look around and realize they didn't spend money on anything else. They just saved forever and spent it all on one fun thing. Like a nine-year-old with a skateboard."
8:29 pm. Bossanova Ballroom. Julian McCullough: “Focus on your babysitting; everything else will fall into place.”
8:32 pm. White Owl Social Club. Ian Karmel: “Los Angeles is very diverse, though. Even the neighborhoods in Los Angeles are diverse. The neighborhoods in L.A. are like, Little Ethiopia, Little Armenia, Chinatown, Little Japan, you know what I mean? All of which are amazing Mexican-American neighborhoods.”
8:34 pm. Bossanova Ballroom. Jonah Ray: "If you don't know what Bing is, ask your aunt on Facebook, she's way into it."
8:45. Bossanova Ballroom. Jonah Ray: "Horrible people can come up with great lines. Look at Jim Morrison."
8:57 pm. Bossanova Ballroom. Aparna Nancherla: "You guys are so nice here, and so socially conscious. I'm learning so many things here. Did you guys know compost has feelings?"
9:12 pm. White Owl Social Club. James Adomian: “It rains marijuana here. I never thought I’d say it, though, but Washington state is a step ahead of you. I made a couple stops coming down from Seattle, and as I got closer to Portland, they started saying, “Watch out man, they’re a bunch of NARCs down there. Marijuana is still nominally frowned upon during business hours.’”
9:16 pm. Bossanova Ballroom. Kumail Nanjiani: "Literature or Twitter: 'Surrounded by MILFs at Taco Bell.’"
9:17 pm. White Owl Social Club. James Adomian: “I’m not scared of the paranoid voice in my brain anymore [when I smoke weed]. When I was 19, it was terrifying because the first few times you smoke pot, Pink Floyd is always playing for some reason. And their job is to give you a bad trip. ‘Hey YOU. YES YOU. YOU LONELY LOSER IN THE CORNER, WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOOOOOU?!’ You freak out and try to go to the next track, but it never works, because the next track on any Pink Floyd album is just animal sounds and screaming.”
9:21 pm. Bossanova Ballroom. Sean Patton: “I’m that Burnside Bridge, motherfucker. Don’t give me none of that fucking Fremont Bridge, that fucking Hawthorne Bridge.”
9:22 pm, Doug Fir. Will Weldon: "What if all aborted fetuses would have grown up to be abortion doctors? What a paradox! Your move, anti-abortion protesters!"
9:30 pm. Bossanova Ballroom. Sean Patton: "Let's not forget we're here because of the good graces of the Lord Jesus Christ. Sometimes I forget to say that in a set."
9:37 pm. Doug Fir. Megan Koester: "Ladies, if I had a dollar for every time I went through an existential crisis... it wouldn't mean anything."
10:30 pm. Bossanova Ballroom. Matt Ingebretson: “When you’re a kid, the lessons you learn are easy. Like you touch a hot stove, it burns your hand, and you pull your hand away. Lesson learned. Being in a bad relationship is like putting your hand on a nice, cool stove and it feels great. So, then you superglue your hand to the stove. And when you finally rip it away—after the course of a year and a half and scolding hot temperatures—you find third-degree burns all over it. So, to make it feel better, you put it down on another nice, cool stove. And you do this over and over again, until there’s nothing left but this charred nub of a hand that’s no longer capable of love.”
10:35 pm. Bossanova Ballroom. Tim Hammer: “I wonder if when the Mountain Dew Factory runs outs if ingredients, they’re just like, ‘Well, we’ve got to make do with what we got.’”
10:36 pm. Bossanova Ballroom. Tim Hammer: "I saw a woman mocking her crying baby and I thought, 'You know how stupid you look right now? No wonder your mom is making fun of you.'"
10:38 pm. Boassanova Ballroom. Tim Hammer: “I bought a belt for my friend that was too small. What a waste.”
10:51 pm. Bossanova Ballroom. Matt Ingebretson: “I was talking to my friend and he was like, ‘I have a pretty big dick, but it’s not anything to write home about.’ I don’t think anyone is writing home about their dick. That’s a really weird letter to write your parents. ‘Dear Mom and Dad, I have a really huge dick. Love, your son.’”
10:55 pm. Bossanova Ballroom. Alice Wetterlund: "If you die in your home, a dog will wait seven days to eat you and start with your arms and legs. A cat will wait one day and start with the face."
10:56 pm. Bossanova Ballroom. Alice Wetterlund: “I like reading the nanny ads in New York. ‘We’re looking for a Mary Poppins for our children.’ What a whimsical way to say ‘white’!”
10:57 pm. Bossanova Ballroom. Alice Wetterlund: “My favorite part of the football season is when all the players are wearing pink socks and shoes and stuff. I love that, it’s so sweet—because I’ve never seen so much breast cancer awareness among so many rapists.”
11:05 Bossanova Ballroom. Sean O'Connor: "What are you going to do with all your pussy? I don't know, probably eat it."
11:15 pm. Alhambra Theatre. Sean O'Connor: "I grew up in New Jersey and everyone had an Italian dad. Italian dads are the saddest people because their arms can't reach their face to wipe away the tears."
11:15 pm. Alhambra Theatre. Sean Flannery: “I told him I was OK with dying because I was just singing ‘Power of Love’ in my head. And he starts laughing so hard that he loses control of my car and then hits a tree.”
11:17 pm. Alhambra Theatre. Sean Flannery: “I will never forget what this surgeon said to his residents. He said, ‘This guy walked off a roof. I’m talking Daffy Duck-style.’”
11:17 pm. Bossanova Ballroom. Reggie Watts: “"You can be here, and someone can pinch you, and still no one can prove you're alive. What I’m saying is, appreciate the fact that you’re pretty sure you’re alive.”
11:19 pm. Bossanova Ballroom. Reggie Watts: "I was with a girl who was an alcoholic. Or at least, she became an alcoholic toward the end of our relationship. I like to think she had it in her all along."
11:19 pm. Bossanova Ballroom. Reggie Watts: "I am a big advocate of the LGBTQH community. Because we have been prejudiced against ourselves for too long."
11:29 pm. Bossanova Ballroom. Reggie Watts: "Even if you don't hate anything, just point at something and say 'That's not me!'"
11:47 pm. Hawthorne Theatre. Charlie Rohrer: “When going to Comic-Con, don’t forget your condoms in your backpack. Not that they’re not allowed at Comic-Con, but it really hurts when they go through your bag and then laugh in your face.”
11:49 pm. Hawthorne Theatre. Charlie Rohrer: “My dad used to be cool as fuck. Like, he once stole a bus.”
12:20 am. Bossanova Ballroom. Dave Stone [who has just been asked what it’s like to live in a van]: “For starters, I have to choose all my beverages based on my ability to pee in their containers. I don’t know if you guys ever have to make that decision at the grocery store, sizing up a fruit juice. ‘Well, this is low in sugar, but can I pee in it?’ You want to go with a wide-mouth, 32-ounce Gatorade, not a 20-ounce Diet Coke. That’s not a dick joke, that’s just simple ergonomics. When you only have 54-feet of living space, it’s really important none of it is covered in urine.”
12:24 am. Bossanova Ballroom. Erin Dewey Lennox. “I feel about weed the same way I feel about abortion. I’m not doing it yet, but I want to make sure I can later.”
