Astoria Film Highlights
Short Circuit (1986)
Plot: A military robot gets all sentient and ends up in Astoria with Ally Sheedy, who loves animals and sentient robots.
Astoria on film: Sheedy's house is at 197 Hume Ave. The windmill is gone.
Characteristic exclamations: "Number five…is alive!" "No disassemble!"
Benji the Hunted (1987)
Plot: Benji gets lost at sea, and then scuba dives, and then adopts four cougar babies and tries to get them to a cougar mommy. Benji is a dog.
Astoria on film: Mostly it's the woods around Astoria, which inexplicably are full of grizzlies and wolves.
Characteristic exclamations: "Ruff ruff!" "Arf!"
Kindergarten Cop (1990)
Plot: Arnold Schwarzenegger goes to Bumfuck, Nowhere, to find a kid in witness protection, who is just so cute, and then save him from his grandmother.
Astoria on film: The school is John Jacob Astor Elementary, which is where the neighbors would prefer you park if you're walking up to the Goonies house.
Characteristic exclamations: "It's not a tumor!" "Boys have a penis, girls have a vagina!"
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993)
Plot: Turtles. Are ninjas. OMG.
Astoria on film: The city acts as a stand-in for ancient Japan. Don't ask questions, it will only confuse you.
Characteristic exclamations: "Help! I'm a turtle and I can't get up!" "Schwing!"
Free Willy (1993)
Plot: Willy the orca—a vicious sea predator with a cute face—needs to get free. A little boy agrees.
Astoria on film: They played a West Coast sunset backward to get a fake East Coast sunrise. The bastards. Also, the spot where Willy goes free is the Hammond Boat Basin in Warrenton, across the harbor from Astoria.
Characteristic exclamations: "God, I hate that whale!" "Please, he's gonna die!"
The Ring Two (2005)
The plot: Naomi Watts moves somewhere creepy that turns out to be Astoria, and then a girl from a TV screen possesses her son and tries to kill her.
Astoria on film: Watts works at The Daily Astorian, which is an actual newspaper. But the part of The Daily Astorian is played by Pacific Coast Medical Supply.
Characteristic exclamations: "Mommy!" "I'm not your fucking mommy!"