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In most businesses, it's been the holiday season since Halloween. Well, the bells are now jingling at Portland's beer theaters, and considering that it's impossible to go the entire month without at least one holiday movie experience, we thought we'd give you the gift of a list of every holiday flick at the city's myriad beer theaters.
There's something for everybody, whether you prefer your Santa in Claymation form or as a gigantic Nordic demon.
Merry Christmas. Holy shit. Where's the Tylenol?
Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale (2010)
In this Norwegian fable with shades of Gremlins, a curious little boy discovers what he thinks is Santa frozen in a mountain, only to unleash an gigantic ancient demon more akin to Krampus, which in turn unleashes an army of ravenous, naked St. Nick doppelganger. It's as weird as it sounds, and somehow considerably more heartwarming. The moral: No matter how wholeheartedly you wish Santa was real, maybe don't thaw out the gigantic horned demon-thing. He doesn't have your copy of Fallout. Laurelhurst Theater. Friday-Thursday, Dec. 11-17.
Die Hard (1988)
In this modern retelling of It's a Wonderful Life (stay with me here), a New York cop ends up at a Christmas party, where his wife is living her life as if he had never been born. With the help of a guardian angel played by Reginald Veljohnson, he discovers that a world where he hadn't been born would be a world in which Eurotrash terrorists go all Mr. Potter on international businesses. So he kills them. All of them. And wins the family back. Then end. The moral: Rampant violence is the secret ingredient in bringing families together during the holidays. Kennedy School. Friday-Thursday, Dec. 11-17; Mission Theater. Sunday-Monday, Dec. 20-21.
Scrooged (1988)
Bill Murray stars in a modern (well, '80s modern) take on A Christmas Carol, in which a TV exec is haunted by a trio of ghosts, one of whom is alarmingly fond of kicking him in the balls. The moral: Bill Murray can make anything—even a tired Dickens retread—seem fresh and amazing. Especially if he sings through the end credits. Mission Theater. 8:30 pm Friday & Sunday, Dec. 11 & 13. Kennedy School. Friday-Sunday, Dec. 25-27.
White Christmas (1954)
Hap-hap-happy bunch of assholes Bing Crosby and Rosemary Clooney dance with Danny Fuckin' Kaye in this musical about song-and-dance men who fall in love with their female equivalents. The moral: Look, your grandma's getting old. And she loves this movie. So take her, sit through it, and cherish the memory. Academy Theater. Friday-Thursday, Dec. 11-17; Kiggins Theater. Friday-Thursday, Dec. 18-23.
National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (1989)
The Chevy Chase classic has lost some of its "oomph" over the years—that'll happen when you watch it every single year—but when it comes to holiday comedies, it's pretty hard to beat, especially given the priceless look on your more conservative relatives' faces when Chase says "fuck" and hits on the lingerie saleswoman. The moral: When the shitter doth over flow, the shitter must be emptied. Mission Theater. Monday-Thursday, Dec. 14-17; Kennedy School. Friday-Thursday, Dec. 18-24.
Elf (2003)
Will Ferrel scored neo holiday classic status in this goofy, warm tale of a manchild raised by elves, who travels to New York to meet his deadbeat dad, hit on Zooey Deschanel and eat enough sugar to give an ant colony type-2 diabetes. The moral: The easiest way to melt a cold hearted man is to show up at their doorstep in tights and claim to be his illegitimate child. Kiggins Theater. Friday-Tuesday, Dec. 11-15; Mission Theater. Thursday-Saturday, Dec. 17-18; Laurelhurst Theater. Friday-Thursday, Dec. 18-23.
A Christmas Story (1982)
The story of a Cleveland kid's obsession with firearms—so timely!—and the f-bomb has become the de-factor Christmas classic, and Portland gives us ample chances to the cable-less to pay to see it rather than find a friend with access to the 24-hour TBS marathon. The moral: The Second Amendment is hotly contested, but perhaps most overlooked is the document's lack of protection from shooting one's eye out. Kiggins Theater. Friday-Tuesday, Dec. 11-15; Hollywood Theatre. 7 pm Saturday-Sunday, Dec 12-13; Mission Theater. Wednesday-Thursday, Dec. 23-24.
The Shop Around the Corner (1940)
Jimmy Stewart trades in the glum melancholy of It's a Wonderful Life for this romantic comedy with Margaret Sullavan, in which the two play rival shopkeeps who don't realize that they're also pen pals… and falling in love. It was later remade as You Got Mail, for the generation who doesn't know what a pen pal is. The moral: As with relatives spouting politics at Christmas dinner, sometimes, the people you love the most are the ones you think you hate. Hollywood Theatre. 2 pm Saturday-Sunday, Dec. 12-13.
It's a Wonderful Life (1946)
It's hard to say how It's a Wonderful Life—a flop upon release—became such an enduring Christmas classic, but perhaps it's because it's refreshing to watch George Baily's abject misery unfold, making our own holiday woes seem goddamned cheery by comparison. The moral: All it takes is a suicide attempt to make you really realize how good you have it, even if what you have exists in a world where bad guys go unpunished and small businesses are doomed to failure. Hollywood Theatre. Friday-Wednesday, Dec. 18-23; Kiggins Theater. Friday-Wednesday, Dec. 18-22; Mission Theater. Tuesday-Thursday, Dec. 22-24.
Home Alone (1990)
In this touching tale of child neglect, an eight-year-old is accidently left behind by his parents and forced to fend off two serial burglars on Christmas Eve through a series of traps that may or may not have inspired the movie Saw. The moral: Protecting your material possessions at all costs—even if it means almost murdering nonviolent criminals—is the only way to make your parents remember you exist in this cold, cruel world. Academy Theater. Friday-Thursday, Dec. 18-24.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2000)
Nope. Not the classic animated one. The terrifying one with Jim Carrey wearing nightmare-inducing prosthetics and a soundtrack featuring the ruffling of Ron Howard counting money in the background. The moral: Christmas memories are meant to be shared—with big studio execs who can mine them for amazing commercial tie-ins while missing the point of the source material entirely. Hollywood Theatre. 4:30 pm Saturday-Sunday, Dec. 19-20.
Animated Christmas 4
The Hollywood resurrects its series of vintage animated shorts, among them The Snowman, Mickey Plays Santa Claus, and Nestor: The Long Eared Donkey. The moral: The holidays are a time to revisit childhood, or something like that. What do you want from me here?! Hollywood Theatre. 2 pm Saturday, Dec. 19.
Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)
It's become a tradition at the Hollywood to gather in the glow of the screen, drink a few beers and watch a deranged, sexually repressed man in a Santa suit hack horny townsfolk to pieces with an axe. It's honestly a better tradition than Peacock Lane, if we're being honest. The moral: Santa is always watching (you have sex and waiting to murder you). Hollywood Theatre. 7:30 pm Saturday, Dec. 19.
VHSMax 3
Scarecrow Video returns to its vaults of deranged old tapes for the return of this strange, hallucinatory holiday montage of insanity. The moral: The annuls of old video stores are, in fact, a mirror into the soul. Hollywood Theatre. 9:30 pm Saturday, Dec. 19.
Jingle All the Way (1996)
How Jingle All the Way—a family comedy about Arnold Schwarzenegger in a Black Friday battle royale with Sinbad and Phil Hartman over a hot new action figure—wasn't an instant classic is puzzling. But maybe it's because it's a family comedy about Arnold Schwarzenegger in a Black Friday battle royale with Sinbad and Phil Hartman over a hot new action figure. The moral: Christmas is about getting your child exactly what he wants, no matter the consequences. Mission Theater. Saturday-Sunday, Dec. 19-20.
Dennis Nyback Christmas Special
Local film archivist Nyback gets into the holiday spirit with a series that includes vintage commercials, Howdy Doody, Gumby, and other gems that are sometimes kind of creepy, but should provide grandparents and kids an alternative to sitting through the goddamned Nutcracker again. The moral: Whether lurking in the closet or celebrating the birth of Christ, ventriloquist dummies are always terrifying. Hollywood Theatre. 7:30 pm Monday, Dec. 21.
Christmas in Space (1978)
Re-Run Theatre dusts of two 1978 Christmas specials, one titled A Cosmic Christmas, and one which we will not name, but includes Bea Arthur singing in the Mos Iseley cantina and a ringing product endorsement from a princess from Alderaan. Pro tip: Hit up the nearest dispensary, and hit it hard. The moral: Wookies have their own holidays, and demand gifts. Hollywood Theatre. 7:30 pm Wednesday, Dec. 23
Christmas Even Mystery Movie
The Clinton hosts its annual Christmas party, which includes a mystery movie. What could it be? "A more contemporary movie with an actual effects budget" is all we know. So, it's totally Santa's Slay (note: 99% no). The moral: Just chill out and wait to open your presents when they're given to you, rather than snooping around for clues. Because Santa's Slay is the greatest Christmas surprise of them all (note, again: It's not Santa's Slay). Clinton Street Theater. 11:59 pm Wednesday, Dec. 24.
Also Showing:
Weird Wednesday presents legendary director Francis Ford Coppola's directorial, the schlocky Roger Corman-produced murderfesat Dementia 13, a film that's still way better than fucking Jack. Joy Cinema. 9:15 pm Wednesday, Dec. 9.
OMSI's Science Pub turns it up beyond 11—seriously, that sound system is the shit—with This is Spinal Tap. Why the scoience part is about "the sound of heavy metal" and not spontaneous combustion is beyond me. OMSI. 6:30 pm Wednesday, Dec. 9.
The lost spaghetti western Get Mean—featuring Vikings, demons and a verbose hunchback, among other oddities—gets a digital restoration. Hollywood Theatre. 7:30 pm Monday, Dec. 14.
Willamette Week