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By Tyler Hurst and K.C. SWAIN
We watched the first six Star Wars movies with bubble hash made from six Star Wars-themed cannabis strains. Here's what we learned:
The Phantom Menace
Jedi OG with Platinum OG Kush bubble hash
The plot: Two Jedi, padawan and master, are assigned to investigate a trade dispute on Naboo, discover a plot to invade the planet, and escape to a desert planet where they recruit a young, Force-strong Anakin Skywalker to join their mission.
Takeaway: The Jedi are incredibly unobservant. Even Keyser Soze had a better disguise than Palpatine's hood and no one noticed? We're pretty sure Darth Plagueis impregnated Shmi. Is Force-rape a criminal offense?
Attack of the Clones
Yoda OG with Platinum OG Kush bubble hash
The plot: A grown-up and somehow whinier Anakin Skywalker, along with his master, Obi-Wan Kenobi, help start an unjust war while routinely endangering those they're assigned to protect.
Takeaway: Padmé has a Mary Kay Letourneau vibe here, wearing increasingly sexy outfits while saying out loud how terribly bad it would be for her to get it on with young Anakin. Also, would this movie be harmed by making Anakin mute?
Revenge of the Sith
Skywalker OG with Platinum OG Kush bubble hash
The plot: The ever more powerful Jedi Knight Anakin Skywalker turns against everything he claims to love and dooms the galaxy to a 20-year war.
Takeaway: Anakin reminds one of a white-trash country singer in no way capable of handling fame or "deserving" of his innate talent. Also, his alter ego Darth Vader is the most prolific serial killer of all time. Oh, and the Jedi are even dumber in this movie.
A New Hope
Death Star OG with Platinum OG Kush bubble hash
The plot: Rebel forces in droid form team up with a farm boy, a senile Jedi master, and a pair of scoundrels to save the princess and destroy the Death Star.
Takeaway: First, Sensi Star crossed with Sour Diesel is one helluva roller-coaster high. Second, Obi-Wan Kenobi displays a deep sadness in this episode, sounding like a defeated old man resigned to his eventual fate. Also, we agree that the droids must have had their memories wiped, right?
The Empire Strikes Back
Master Yoda with Platinum OG Kush bubble hash
The plot: Not-quite Jedi Master Luke helps the Rebels escape an invasion, abandons his friends as they flee, and then has to be saved after he fails to prevent them from falling into a trap set for him.
Takeaway: If Luke kills Darth Vader, he becomes him. What a pity Kenobi didn't have a cave like that to show Anakin, right? We're still not sure how the wampa froze Luke's feet into the ice cave ceiling.
Return of the Jedi
Ewok OG and Skywalker OG with Platinum OG Kush bubble hash
The plot: A team of Rebels free their ally from a well-known crime lord and then work together to take on the Emperor and his under-construction Death Star.
Takeaway: Leia is one helluva fighter and one of the strongest female characters who isn't touted as "just" a soldier. She took out speeder bikes, made nice with the natives, and defeated Stormtroopers while being assaulted, after being captured, and while injured. And, unlike the rest of the Skywalker clan, never lost her hand.
The Force Awakens
Starkiller OG with Platinum OG Kush bubble hash
The plot: Force users wake up.
Takeaway: We'll let you know after we see it at 2 am.
Willamette Week