Lady Things: Should You Even Watch Downton Abbey This Season?

Welcome back to the column where we explore the upstairs-downstairs duality of the feminine soul. This week, we travel across the pond and into the past to ask the age-old question: Should you even watch Downton Abbey this season?

Downton Abbey, for those of you who appreciate the rhetorical device of explaining something everyone already knows about, is a period drama about post-Titanic-sinking English aristocrats and their servants, produced by the BBC ITV in Britain and shown "stateside" on PBS.

Downton Abbey is the kind of show groups of women gather to watch and gab about. It's an excuse for a Sunday night tea party, a time to gossip about fictional characters ("Edith deserves true love for once! Why doesn't she just murder Mary?"). Sure there are plenty of dudes who watch the show, but the majority of the audience is women 35 to 49, so I'm calling it a Lady Thing because you know what, this is my column and, in here, I am the decider.

I once worked for a PBS affiliate station, KQED in San Francisco, where I wrote weekly recaps of the show. I continued this for two years after I left the station and the city, but this year the budget for an out-of-state recap writer was apparently slashed. This is a blessing and a curse. Blessing: I no longer have to spend three to six hours a week on Downton Abbey. Curse: My rent just went up and I could use the extra cash.

There is, of course, one other hidden blessing to my financial…what's the opposite of windfall? It is that I can now honestly ask myself the question: Do I even want to watch Downton Abbey anymore? After the season when Sybil died of undiagnosed swollen ankles and Matthew expired on a sun-dappled lane, the show hasn't filled me with much besides a deep sense of getting paid. Maybe, it's time for me to stop wasting my time.

When approaching a tough, personal problem like this, it is best to make a list of pros and cons. So.

Pro: I feel bad for Mary (Michelle Dockery) because her fiance just tragically died.

This is sad and true. Plus 1 point for watching the show.

Con: Julian Fellowes, the creator of the show, doesn't care about the audience at all, even remotely.

Every interesting arc ran its course long ago. Rose didn't marry the African-American jazz singer. No more information will ever come out about Edith's missing husband. Lord Grantham is a prick with no purpose. They had to kill the dog named Isis because it was named Isis. O'Brien took her sideburns and baby murder and left ages ago. Is a servant in jail? Probably. Is Thomas plotting something? Sure, why not? Is Daisy as cute as ever? She will be until she's dead. Minus 3 points.

Pro: But the kids! They are probably old enough to say words now!

You're right. Children with British accents are hard to beat. Plus 1 point.

Con: Inevitably, Lord Grantham will mansplain some bad decision he made and the music will swell and everyone will nod and agree that he has once again saved the day.

Minus 1 point.

Pro: The old ladies, bantering.

This is maybe the only reason to watch the show, since it's pretty much guaranteed that all Maggie Smith's best lines will be meme-ified by Monday morning. If you want to see them in context, you've got to tune in. Plus 2 points.

Con: You will inevitably be disappointed by Mary's choices.

How realistic, though. Ultimately, everyone will disappoint you. Zero points in either direction.

Pro: You can get together with your lady friends and drink tea and watch together.

This is generally true, but on the other hand, The Bachelor just started up and that's on Monday nights. If you're going to pick a show to watch and judge with your friends, wouldn't you rather it be one on a school night? With real, terrible people to judge instead of fake ones, many of whom work in real estate? This season has a dentist from Portland, at least four nonwhite women and a set of twins who look exactly like Elizabeth and Jessica from Sweet Valley High! Minus 1 point.

Scientific conclusion: Negative 1 point for watching the show.

As of now, I guess I won't be watching, and I suggest anyone who feels like they should start watching go with Another Period instead. Unless Patton Oswalt is live tweeting this season again. In which case, see you on Sunday nights.

WATCH: Downton Abbey is on Sunday nights at 9 on OPB.

Willamette Week