Will You Survive?

The young-adult apocalypse is coming...again.

The 5th Wave opens this weekend, and you'd be forgiven for thinking you've seen it before. The title even sounds like a reminder that we've been overrun with these identical movies for the past 10 years. The Hunger Games (x 4), Divergent (x 2), The Host, The Mortal Instruments, The Giver, The Maze Runner (x 2) and…and…and…

The only logical conclusion is that all these filmmakers are tapping into some deeper pool of knowledge, as if the giant human subconscious knows that, sometime in the near future, humanity will be nearly wiped out and the only heroes left will be young women in love triangles.

Which may leave you wondering, "Will I survive the coming apocalypse?" I've studied all the movies extensively and noticed a few patterns. Hopefully, this quiz will help you prepare and raise your chances of survival.

1. Are you over 15?

Yes Nope, you're going to die. The post-apocalypse is a young person's game.

No Great! You've passed the first test. Onward!

2. How many boys are you in love with?

One Sorry, that's just not going to cut it. You die.

Two Perfect! That's going to make for some great romantic tension as you fight for survival. Keep going.

Three or more Ugh, that's just too many. It'll never work and you'll be killed by the asteroids/aliens/evil government.

3. Which of the following enemies can you defeat?

Aliens Good, but not enough. You die.

Your fellow man Good, but not enough. You die.

Adults Good, but not enough. You die.

Other kids with weapons Good, but not enough. You die.

All of the above Whew-it's going to be a tough apocalypse, and it could come from any direction. It's good to be prepared. Keep it up!

4. Aliens have killed 90 percent of the human race and your boyfriend/brother/platonic best friend is missing. What do you do?

Ask adults for help No, you idiot, adults are evil and worthless. You're a kid! You know how to save the world better than any stupid adult. You die.

Cry Of course not. There's no crying in apocalypses. You die.

Stop at nothing to get him back, defeating an evil much bigger than yourself Good work! You've got what it takes. Keep fighting.

5. What's the best weapon for defeating an army of evil adults or aliens?

Guns No, silly, guns are for bad adults, not for righteous kids like you. You die.

Bow and arrow That will do. They'll never see it coming. Grab your Stone Age weapon and keep going.

Love Great! No apocalypse can defeat the greatest weapon, a teenager in love with another teenager. Continue the fight.

6. OK, how about now? Is it OK to ask the adults for help?

Well, I guess things are getting pretty bad, it can't hurt to ask them YOU DIED, OBVS NEVER TRUST ADULTS.

Nope, adults cause problems, kids fix them You're getting it! Keep going.

7. Hey you, get in line!

Yes, sir Oh, you died. You need to stop trusting authority figures.

No way, I have a real problem with authority Very good! You might make it. Conformity is death. Rebellion is freedom. Fight on.

8. Things are getting pretty serious in your love-triangle situation. Which boy do you choose?

The strong one who can fight alongside me Aw, too bad, he turns out to be a jerk. You die.

The kind one who treats me right Aw, too bad, he gets killed. You die too.

I'm so torn, I don't think I'll ever choose! You're really getting this. The apocalypse seems like a good place for you. Just two more questions!

9. Whom can you trust?

The government Super-duper dead.

Corporations Ugh, I can't even deal with you anymore. You're just so dead.

Anybody What are you thinking? How did you get this far? You die.

Your heart That's the ticket. Believe in yourself because you're special. You're amazing. You're beautiful and strong and clever, and these aliens/evil people won't even see you coming.

10. What's the right number of movies in a trilogy?

Three What are you, stupid? You've got to split the third book into two movies so you can make that $$$$. You die.

Four You made it all the way! You're the perfect post-apocalypse heroine!

Did you make it? I hope you did. It's a tough apocalypse out there and only the bravest young women can survive long enough never to have to decide between the two boys they're in love with. If you didn't survive, don't worry. Most of us will die in the initial attack, AKA "the 1st Wave"—I smell prequel!

SEE IT: The 5th Wave is rated PG-13. It opens Friday at most Portland-area theaters.

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