Ladies, put down your tampons and pull your bras out of the fire! Misogyny has finally ended!
Barbie, the ultimate symbol and example of global femininity, has broken out of her perfect 32-16-29 body and begun to magically appear in more realistic shapes and sizes. Girls no longer have to look in the mirror and think, "Why isn't my neck too thin to hold up my head? Why do I have a vagina and not a smooth, plastic crotch-area?"
Well, actually, those things still hold true.
But the new Barbie is solving all the other problems! Now she comes in "Curvy," "Tall" and "Petite," each of which has a variety of hairstyles and skin colors to choose from, as well as Original Recipe Barbie, which remains blond, white and perfect in every way.
In the ad/product video, a (male) designer calls the new Barbie "radical," and it's hard to disagree with him when you look out your window and see girls roaming the streets, doing science projects and playing sports, and then you get an email from President Elizabeth Warren with the subject line, "Equal pay for women and one year of paid family leave for all now the law of the land," and then your high school leadership teacher calls you up and says, "Hey, Lizzy, I'm really sorry I told you girls weren't funny enough to be in the Mr. Spartan Pageant. Totally my bad!"
It's a great day for America. Get out there, buy a Barbie, and be part of this beautiful new world.