Austen's Undead

Pride & Prejudice & Zombies & other things that shouldn’t exist.

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies is a funny idea. The title is funny; the concept of adding zombie scenes to a brilliant, public domain novel is funny; that somebody actually took the time to write it is very funny.

But the book itself is not funny. In fact, P&P&Z is one of those rare and precious ideas in which actually executing it takes all the joy out of it. Like all those times somebody says, "That would make a great name for a band," and people laugh; if you actually made a band called Beaver Pelt Sundae, it wouldn't be funny at all.

Rather than watching it, let's just take a trip back to that heady time when it was just a funny idea and create some other mash-up novel concepts, without the sad burden of anybody actually writing or reading them.

Here are a couple suggestions in the vein of …and Zombies and its spinoff Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters, and definitely not in the vein of Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, which seems to have been created by an enthusiastic person who missed the memo that the game we're playing is: a book with "and" in the title, plus a scary thing.

Romeo and Juliet and Krampus

Their families hate each other. But despite the age-old blood feud between the Montagues, the Capulets and the Germanic Christmas demons, three young children fall in love and create a secret kinky triad that can end only in tragedy.

War and Peace and Lizard People

Napoleon wants to take over Russia. Members of the aristocracy want to marry well. The lizard people want to kill you and then lie on a warm rock.

The Sound and the Fury and the Sarlacc Pit Monster

It's a story told from multiple points of view, one of which is that of a creature that lines a massive sand pit on Tattooine with several rows of teeth. The sarlacc's suicide is very sad.

Crime and Punishment and Yetis

A young man is racked with guilt over a murder he commits. He endlessly contemplates confessing as the authorities close in on him. Eventually, he turns himself in and is exiled to Siberia, where he thinks for a second he sees a giant humanoid in the snow, but then is pretty sure he didn't.

The Old Man and the Sea and Alien and Predator

It's an epic struggle: a Cuban fisherman who hasn't caught a fish for 85 days, a giant marlin who's just minding his own business when something he thinks is food turns out to be a hook, and two highly advanced extraterrestrial killing machines. When they sleep, all four dream of lions.

The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and Mr. Ed

When he drinks a potion, Dr. Jekyll becomes his alter ego. When his alter ego drinks a potion, he becomes a terrifying talking horse from the 1960s. It ends badly for all of them.

Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance and Ancient Megasharks

The author takes a road trip with his son and their friend, a 50-foot megashark straight out of the Cenozoic Era. They discuss philosophy. The megashark has some interesting ideas about epistemology.

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies and No Zombies

This tale of love and values unfolds in the class-conscious England of the late 18th century. The five Bennet sisters—including strong-willed Elizabeth and young Lydia—have been raised by their mother with one purpose in life: finding a husband. When a wealthy bachelor takes up residence in a nearby mansion, the Bennets are abuzz. Among the man's sophisticated circle of friends, surely there will be no shortage of suitors for the Bennet sisters. But when Elizabeth meets up with the handsome and seemingly snobbish Mr. Darcy, the battle of the sexes is joined.

SEE IT: Pride and Prejudice and Zombies is rated PG-13. It opens Friday at most major Portland-area theaters.

Willamette Week

Willamette Week’s reporting has concrete impacts that change laws, force action from civic leaders, and drive compromised politicians from public office. Support WW's journalism today.