Last night, Chris Harrison's Polyamorous Love Circus, The Bachelor, came to Portland. Well, technically it came to Portland a while ago, on some vaguely sunny day, possibly in the fall. But last night, all of #America got to see #TheRealPortland through the lens of #FindingLove for #TheRightReasons. Well, lucky you, it's Tuesday. So I Heart Television!™ and Lady Things have joined forces to ask some serious questions about last night's episode.
Look, we can all agree that The Bachelor is terrible for women, for men, for relationships, for love and for #America. Still, let's all be honest with ourselves and admit that not only are we watching the show, we are still unhappy that Jubilee went home. Her job was WAR VETERAN, for crying out loud!
Still, crying about the fate of one contestant isn't why we're here. We're here to talk about the newest character on the show, the City of Portland. Last night, Bachelor Ben came to visit Lauren B., who must continue to be called by her last initial even though no one can remember who the other Lauren was. A teacher maybe? A blonde?
Last night's trip to Portland left us, the Portland viewers, a little confused. Here are nine questions I want to know the answers to about last night's episode. If you have any answers, please, for the love of God, post them in the comments.
1. Where are the homeless people?
From Waterfront Park to downtown, there are no homeless people in The Bachelor's Portland. Why? Where did they go? Is this an alternate reality?
2. Why didn't they go to Nong's Khao Man Gai?
Lolo (as her family calls her) takes Bebe (as I call him) to the food carts downtown and they get…Russian bread with butter and grilled cheese? Why? Is on-camera the only time they are allowed to eat carbs?
3. Why didn't they go to Voodoo Doughnut or Powell's?
How can we have reached a point in history when a TV crew comes to Portland and they don't go to either Voodoo or Powell's? I don't want to live in this world.
4. Wait, is the Keep Portland Weird sign the new Voodoo?
The kooky dentist from Portland who got kicked off early for her kookiness featured the Keep Portland Weird sign, and then Lolo and Bebe went there too. What's the deal? Is it just a cheaper location since it's a parking lot?
5. Why didn't they hang out in West Linn?
West Linn is a fancy suburb. They must have something better there than grilled cheese.
6. Why was there no one at Multnomah Whiskey Library?
I know it's not cool anymore, but is it really that not cool? Or was it 9 am?
7. Did Lauren B. say "libarry"?
Um, I don't want to police you, Lolo, but that's not how you say it.
8. Why didn't they finish their drinks?
OK, it must be 9 am. Or else you already got all your daily calories from the butter bread and grilled cheese.
9. Is Lauren's sister DTF?
Just asking. She seems nice.
Will they find love? Will Lolo grant us an exclusive interview? Are you reading this, Lolo? Send me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org! Stay for next week!