Welcome back to Lady Things, the column where we ask the question, "What is it to be a woman?" but we do it tastefully, sexily and without raising our voices. This week, what if we do away with words altogether?
You could write, but I don't recommend it unless you have a pitchfork protection plan.
There is however, one woman people listen to. Maybe "listen to" is the wrong phrase. Maybe what I mean is there is one woman who can say and do whatever the fuck she wants and just gets richer and richer and more powerful every goddamn day.
Of course, I am talking about Kim Kardashian.
Kimmy is famous because her dad was friends with a murderer and then she made a sex tape and now money is probably delivered to her mansion in a dump truck every day. I, on the other hand, once wrote a story that included a picture of me in a tank top and someone called me a "saggy-titted Mission hipster." I'll be paying back my student loans for however long it takes my hypothetical grandkids to die.
Over the weekend I decided that communicating with words isn't working. And it's stressing me out. Why not, then, communicate like Kim, only via Kimoji, her branded emojis, available for $1.99 on iTunes? Is there, I wondered, possibly a subtle power in refusing to use words and only using the symbols and GIFs that Kim and her advisers have deemed necessary?
So for the whole weekend, I decided to text only in Kimoji. It wasn't easy, just as working at Dash isn't easy, just as having Kris Jenner as a mom isn't easy. But I did it.
First, you have to be willing to respond to profession questions in a sexy, fun way:
Effective, classy, professional. And it gets the message across. The message in this case: "Great work! I wish I could buy you a fur coat."
In another profesh sitch, the long nail thumbs up worked very well:
There are situations where things will get a little complicated, but Kim's got you covered. Let your friends make the jokes. You stick with Kim. Kim leaves the jokes to Khloe. She just stays sexy and fun and in charge. Kim is married to Kanye. Khloe is married to Lamar:
Another issue is having friends who are on the same level as you. For example, I tried to invite some friends over to Easter brunch using Kimojis. They did not respond. Maybe it's time to get new friends:
Not surprisingly, Kimojis turn out to be a great way to communicate with my sibling about our future fortune (if either of us wins the office March Madness bracket, we're splitting it):
And when I used them with friends to talk about our upcoming trip to Los Angeles, they even responded with Kimojis of their own:
Though it is the communication with my family that worked the best in Kimoji. That's because Kim is all about family and Kimojis are created for family:
Communication with my boyfriend also went pretty well:
By the end of the weekend, I had purchased a new pair of slick sneakers I couldn't afford, bright red lipstick, and felt like like a new Lizzy. The kind of Lizzy who could take on anything, words be damned. Sure, there are a few people who might be left wondering what happened this weekend but Kim never apologizes and neither does new Lizzy.
So, will Kimojis make all the men in the world respect you and listen to you? No. But will they help you care less about institutionalized, systematic sexism? Maybe temporarily. Which, when you think about it, is pretty much all you can hope for.