The world ended in a flood of the Great Old One Cthulhu's massive load after it rose sea levels and enveloped everything. That's the gist of Competitive Erotic Fan Fiction, a veteran show that took over Refuge PDX at this year's Bridgetown Comedy Festival. Consider the title fair warning.
Moshe Kasher (Hound Tall with Moshe Kasher) came out as the star. He told a masterfully crafted tale about the EverQuest-loving juggalo Japhen and the round, surprisingly buoyant Fondella on their unfortunate date at the beach. There, Japhen's semen mixed with Fondella's "extra spicy pussy juice" made its way to the bottom of the ocean and into the outer god Cthulu's eye.
Cthulhu, awakened from a slumber that began back when the Earth was only populated by protozoa, arose from the depths, taking out his rage and sexual frustration on Japhen and Fondella before proceeding to end the world.
"Cthulhu entered Fondella [with his mile-long cock tentacle] and split her in two on the girth of his apocalyptic cock. He pumped and pumped as she shook and dangled on the end of his cock like a ferret in a jackal's mouth," Kasher read on stage with a completely straight face.
Competitive Erotic Fan fiction is a podcast hosted by Bryan Cook where one round of comedians compete with already-prepared erotic fiction, then a second round of competitors write their pieces based on audience suggestions during the first round.
Kasher may have taken the crown of the second round, but Sabrina Jalees won the first round with a dream-fiction of herself making Jennifer Love Hewitt cum "harder than she ever had before" during a weed deal.
Other notable pieces of fiction included Daily Show writer Matt Koff's Pantera-based erotic fiction (a band he didn't even know about until he drew it from the audience suggestions).
"Dime-Bag Darryl, encrusted with cemetery dirt, went to work felating his two former bandmates," Koff read. "David Peacock's and Vinnie Paul's dicks were harder than the thrash metal they so dutifully provided to their fans from 1981 to 2003. Their rock hard dicks were thrusting into Dime-Bag's mouth, and it was almost like they were using his mouth…For War."
Dan Teller, a former writer for The Onion, read a piece dedicated to the under-appreciated bird-thing who cuddles in Jabba the Hutt's lap: Salacious Crumb. Telfer even spoke genuine Huttese (the language of the Hutts) when applicaple.
"Salacious went to the place he previously feared the most: the massive, flapping, jittering anal cavity [of Jabba the Hutt] where the darkest slime in the galaxy poured forth. In search of the Huttese prostate, Salacious climbed inside the hole," Telfer read.
If these are stories that you want to hear more of, Cook uploads each show he does online as a through Nerdist's website each week (though Cook admits, lately it is more like once a month).