This week, I made the mistake of watching the news.
It was a terrible ordeal allayed only by the fact that I invented a new drinking game meant to accompany an otherwise unpleasant news broadcast. The rules are as follows:
- Take one shot whenever anyone says “collude,” “recuse,” or “Russia.”
- Take two shots whenever anyone says “Reince Priebus,” which I believe is Latin for “soon-to-be unemployed.”
- Take three shots whenever senior White House advisor and likely femdom enthusiast Jared Kushner appears on the screen.
It's a simple game that pretty much guarantees I'm drunk within the first 30 minutes of tuning into CNN. After that, even the worst news suddenly becomes a bit more tolerable.
From what I could tell through the haze of my pseudo-drunken stupor, it's been a busy news week, with pundits discussing everything from rampant transphobia to Anthony Scaramucci's suggestion that Steve Bannon somehow possess the unlikely ability to autofellate (the idea of which is somehow both disgusting and hilarious to imagine). But despite the vast array of issues that were addressed this week, I've been increasingly fascinated by the Republican's continuing and failed attempts to get rid of Obamacare.
In case you need a quick refresher, Republicans had previously voted on whether or not to repeal and replace Obamacare. That vote failed.
Then, they voted to repeal Obamacare without replacing it, and that vote failed as well.
Earlier this week, they voted to see if they wanted to continue discussing the possibility of potentially voting to vote on Obamacare later on. So regardless of your stance on the Affordable Care Act, I think we can all agree that at this point, the GOP is approaching politics the same way schlubby drunk dudes approach women at a bar: If at first you don't succeed, lower your standards.
John McCain even showed up to deliver an impassioned speech on the Senate floor.
Well, "impassioned" isn't quite the right word, but the man's been through a lot recently, so he deserves props for his slightly discordant droning on. I mean, the man was just diagnosed with brain cancer and had left the hospital early to be there for the vote. Even his greatest opponents have to admit that that's pretty badass. That's why, personally, I think of John McCain as America's congressional Batman. He's richer and stronger than any of us will ever be, but he still somehow manages to be kind of a dick.
Despite McCain's speech and the fact that Republicans have a congressional majority, the procedural vote ended in a tie. Luckily, Soon-To-Be President Mike Pence was there to step in and showcase his skills as a multitasker by breaking both the tie vote and the American spirit all at once.
And that's when I blacked out from all the alcohol.
A few days later, I woke up on the floor of my apartment to the soothing sound of Mitch McConnell's tears. So I'll probably take a few days off from watching the news so that my liver can recover before the next round.