In addition to being a freelance writer and standup comedian, I am also a renowned scientist in possession of at least three pending patents and a storage closet full of countless inventions. However, despite my substantial accomplishments, I have been shunned by the vast majority of the scientific community due to the "questionable morality" of my "exceedingly illegal methods."
Regardless, my newest invention is bound to amaze and excite the masses to such a degree that no ethics committee in the country will be able to deny my scientific contributions to society.
This past year, the American public was barraged with an unprecedented number of celebrity deaths, and the shock of the loss was more than many could bear. Rather than continue to see my fellow Americans buckle under the emotional weight of being surprised by a star's untimely demise, I have developed a machine that allows its operator to peer into the future and learn the exact year of someone's decease. While I have yet to officially defeat death, I have effectively conquered the worst part of death: the surprise part.
(It should be noted that, as of this writing, I have only been able to foresee celebrity deaths. Try as I might, it seems that normal people are beyond the scope of my machine's precognitive properties. It should also be said that it remains unclear as to whether or not these deaths may be either quickened or prevented once predicted.)
Thus, without further ado, I present to you the first in an ongoing list of celebrity deaths. The darkness will inevitably claim us all, but it is my sincere hope that the following information sets your mind at ease in the interim:
Angus T. Jones [The Kid From Two and a Half Men] (1993 – 2025): Angus T. Jones (better known as The Kid From Two and a Half Men) goes on to face all of the stereotypical obstacles associated with childhood stardom. After a lapse in faith causes him to leave the Seventh-day Adventist Church, Angus turns to alcohol in lieu of god. He soon develops an impious devotion to booze and narcotics. At his lowest point, a blotto Angus is recorded via cell phone running naked through a Chuck E. Cheese's shouting such obscenities as "I DON'T KNOW WHO THE FUCK I AM WITHOUT A LAUGH TRACK" before standing in front of the animatronic Chuck E. Cheese band and scream-singing the entirety of Harry Chapin's Cat's in the Cradle.
The cell phone footage goes viral, prompting Dr. Drew and a team of producers at VH1 to stage and shoot a two-hour-long docu-drama centered around Angus' real-life intervention and rehabilitation. The most memorable scene features a sobbing Angus shaking furiously while repeatedly saying, "I'm more than half a man. I long to be more than just half a man."
After completing an intensive program at Maryland's Tranquility Woods Luxury Treatment Center, Angus writes a relatively successful memoir appropriately entitled Angus T. Jones: The Whole of a Man. Then, invigorated by his rediscovered sobriety, he invests what's left of his childhood fortune in a bid to be elected Governor of California.
Angus succeeds in procuring support from the Democratic Party, but his quest for gubernatorial glory is unfortunately short lived. He suffers a humiliating defeat at the hands of his Republican opponent Jim Parsons, whose campaign slogan "Jim Parsons: Make California Bazinga Again" proves irresistible.
Penniless and heartbroken, Angus T. Jones dies from a heart attack at the mere age of 32. The morning after his death, millions of people across the country walk into work and say, "Hey, did you hear that Angus T. Jones died?" to which other people respond, "Who's Angus T. Jones?" to which someone else replies, "He was the kid from Two and a Half Men." And then everybody's like, "Oh, okay. Wait, he died? Wasn't he pretty young? You know, I never really watched that show. I guess a lot of people liked it, but I honestly don't know how it got so popular."
Ariana Grande (1993 – 2077): Ariana Grande leads a full life, not passing until she's already well into her eighties. She does, however, leave the limelight shortly after the release of her 9th album. The title track, The Deepest Love—a deliberately explicit, though utterly mindless, pop-hit about falling head over heels for a man with a big dick—becomes an international success. Album sales to skyrocket, and Grande becomes the the highest-selling female pop-vocalist in American history.
Ariana's unparalleled success cements her legacy as an American pop-icon, but Grande's newfound grandeur causes her to question the very nature of her celebrity. She realizes that she has spent the entirety of her adult life bellowing power-ballads and singing songs of romance, yet has never truly been in love. It begins to dawn on Ariana that her salad days as a sexually precocious young star are almost over, and she starts to wonder how she can continue singing about a love she's never known. She's talented enough to hit all the notes, but suddenly aware that she feels absolutely nothing while singing the lyrics.
These realizations send Ariana spiraling into a voyage of self-discovery. She bids adieu to the glitz and glam of stardom and focuses her attention towards bettering the global community. She adopts three transgendered Guatemalan daughters, revives Lilith Fair for a modern audience, and begins performing Ani DiFranco covers instead of her standard hits.
Ultimately, Grande retires from celebrity, buying a comfortable home in Berkeley, Calif. in which to raise her family. She lives off of royalty checks and, while she takes many lovers without any shame, Ariana Grande never marries. She does, though, find the warmth of unconditional love in her new role as a mom.
On Mother's Day of 2077, an eighty-four-year-old Grande is surprised by being brought breakfast in bed by her three daughters and four grandkids. After eating two smiley-face buttermilk pancakes and a perfectly fried egg, Ariana Grande hugs her family close before setting down for a midday nap. While resting in a house full of love, she dies peacefully in her sleep.
The Weeknd (1990 – 2018): The Weeknd ODs on heroin. Everyone pretends to be surprised, but no one really cares. Tahj Mowry plays him in a direct-to-DVD biopic.
John Kasich (1952 – 2032): John Kasich's life is perhaps best summarized by acclaimed sociological historian Dr. Eleanore Tughan in her 2036 book Ello Gov'na: A Brief History of Govenors:
“History has shown that Kasich was just sort of… [T]here. He was neither beloved (like California Governors Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jim Parsons) nor loathed (like Alabama Governor George Wallace). While he was a relatively controversial figure known to propagate the pervasive anti-abortion sentiment that dominated the first two decades of 21st century American politics, most contemporary historians agree that John Kasich’s greatest political accomplishment was being a footnote in Donald Trump’s autobiography.”
After unsuccessfully running for president, Kasich leaves politics behind after his second term as Ohio's governor. He invests in a few Skyline Chili restaurants in southern Ohio and spends his remaining years golfing, painting, and taking improv comedy classes at a small Cincinnati theater before dying alone in his home due to complications of pneumonia.
Upon his death, Kasich is survived by but two grandsons in their thirties. Ironically, one is a gay man with no interest in adoption and the other, being in a loveless marriage to a barren woman, impregnates a minor during an ill-fated affair and promptly pays for a hasty abortion. Thus the Kasich name not only disappears from memory, but literally fades into oblivion.