Skip to main content
Since its advent, the internet has revolutionized the way we lead our lives. It's changed the way we get our news, keep in touch with friends, and anonymously bully each other from afar.
But above all else, the internet has made it so that young men no longer have to find their porn in the woods. Because, for reasons that have been eroded by the sands of time, every guy over the age of 35 has a story about finding his first bit of smut in the woods or under a bridge or along the side of the road. And I, for one, am glad that digital natives are no longer forced to look for porno the same way the boys from Stand by Me searched for a dead body.
And thanks to modern science, we're no longer merely limited to nude photos and triple-X VHS tapes. From naughty snapchats to hardcore Tumblr .gifs to life-sized sex robots, technology has quickly evolved to meet the vulgar demands of human sexuality. And now, we've taken yet another step forward.
A company named CamSoda recently released the O-Cast, an app that makes it possible to perform cunninglingus on your partner by licking your phone.
The O-Cast is the sequel to the BlowCast, a digital service that allows users to download and experience simulated blowjobs. The recipient places their member into a rather expensive vibrating sleeve, and the benefactor presumably deep-throats a joystick that's attached to a USB cable. Similarly, the O-Cast allows users to lick or tap their smartphone to record sensual patterns that are then recreated via vibrator.
While licking a cellphone doesn't sound particularly sanitary, oral sex—synthetic or otherwise—is good for many things. It's a fun way to relieve stress, it's the perfect last-minute gift idea; and it's great for when you can't afford beard oil, but still want to add a silky sheen to your facial hair.
Overall, the world would be a better, chiller place if we could all download a fresh BJ every morning. So I'm not worried about folks going down on their partners through an app. But folks are already constantly tethered to their phones, so I am worried about people publicly going down on their partners through an app.
(I'm also worried that, were I to try the O-Cast, I'd only be halfway through tonguing the alphabet before Siri popped up and started chastising me about my technique.)
Right now, loudly listening to music without wearing headphones is the most egregious thing a person can publicly do with their phone. But it's possible that someday soon, you'll see someone furiously tapping away at their Android and wonder, "Are they playing Candy Crush, or finger-banging their long distance lover?" Or perhaps you'll overhear someone's phone vibrating and say, "Excuse me, I think your phone's buzzing." And they'll say, "I know. I'm trying to cum. Please stop distracting me."
Or maybe you'll be sitting on the bus, watching as someone awkwardly shoves a cellphone into their mouth, when an old woman turns to you and asks, "What are they doing? Has that person completely lost their mind?" And you'll have to look her in the eyes and answer, "Oh, don't worry. They're just pleasuring their lover from afar." At which point, the old lady will smile, wink, and say, "You kids these days have it so easy. When I was your age, I had to tape a nude photograph to an erotic letter, mail it to Normandy, and hope my high school sweetheart could rub one out in a foxhole."
Your grandmother's sexual proclivities aside, there's probably a way to frame this so that it sounds like the O-Cast is technically kind of a step forward for feminism. I mean, there's still the wage gap, an(other) openly misogynistic president, and the general chauvinism that runs rampant throughout our society; but at least now, women have an equal opportunity to get head from a machine. And machines don't give out when their jaws start hurting.